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Going to the bar is a national past time. It is a great way to go out, laugh, and hang out with your friends. With that in mind, check out the top 101 alcohol jokes.
Table of Contents
#101 – 90. Alcohol Jokes
101. What is the difference between an alcoholic and drunk? A drunk drinks until he passes out, an alcoholic drinks till the house burns down with them in it.
100. Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!
99. I am a recovering alcoholic. I’m currently recovering from all the alcohol I drank last night.
98. Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
97. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
96. I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
95. Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
94. What’s the difference between a group of alcoholics and a group of necrophiliacs? Nothing. They both love to crack a cold one open with the boys
93. Mayan: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan: I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
92. why does aaron cry at night his alcoholic father beats him
91. Q: Whats the difference between a dog and a fox? A: 2 drinks.
90. Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka? A: a “Pabst Smir!”
#89 – 80. Alcohol Jokes
89. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
88. Q: When do women drink alcohol? A: Wine O’Clock.
87. Q: What happens when a ghost drinks boos? A: They get sheet-faced.
86. Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
85. A guy at my work was so desperate of an alcoholic that he started drinking brake fluid. He said he could stop at any time though.
84. Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
83. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
82. Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light? A: He’s the one dancing like an asshole!
81. Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
80. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, I go to parties.
#79 – 70. Alcohol Jokes
79. Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!
78. Q: How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? A: They keep falling off the wagon.
77. Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Budweiser, and you can take them anywhere!
76. We all know Donald Trump doesn’t drink alcohol. But did you know he won’t drink non-alcoholic beer either? It’s fake booze.
75. Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere!
74. Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians…all the free boos they could ask for
73. Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street.
72. Q: You know what’s fun about being sober? A: Nothing
71. My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
70. Q: Where do monkeys go to drink? A: The monkey bars!
#69 – 60. Alcohol Jokes
69. Boy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.” Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?” Boy: “It’s me talking to the beer.”
68. Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
67. Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist? He couldn’t handle bars.
66. My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur. If it’s not one thing she’s whining about, it’s something else.
65. Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions? They have twelve-step-parents.
64. Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!
63. Q: Why was Tequila invented? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
62. What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex? They are not for kids.
61. Q: Why don’t Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering!
60. If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks then he’ll have to call his pub a Mars Bar
#59 – 50. Alcohol Jokes
59. Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.
58. Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head? A: A taxi. Clearly, he’s had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.
57. You probably shouldn’t send alcoholics to jail…They’ve spent enough time around bars.
56. Q: What do you say when you’re gonna drunk dial someone? A: Al-cohol you
55. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color
54. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
53. Q: How do you know a man is really really gay? A: When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer!
52. Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?… Got plastered…
51. Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: “Olive or twist?”
50. Q: How do you get a computer drunk? A: A Screenshot of Tequila.
#49 – 40. Alcohol Jokes
49. What does women’s underwear and nail polish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.
48. Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
47. Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun? Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit.
46. Q: How do you know when you really pissed off your Bartender? A: She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary!
45. why did the man walk into a bar. because he just broke up and he needs alcohol you dummy
44. Why was the dwarf alcoholic having trouble driving? Well, he was a little drunk.
43. God makes everyone in his own image, no? Yeah, he was drunk.
42. What did the drunk women said to the man after leaving the bar? Alcohol-you later
41. Q: What does a shot of Tequila and a woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
40. A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing
#39 – 30. Alcohol Jokes
39. Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
38. I know my limits: if I fell down it means enough.
37. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
36. My doctor told me today that I shouldn’t drink alcohol every day. “That’s fine”, I said, I only drink at night anyway.
35. What’s the cure for marriage? Answer: Alcoholism.
34. Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!
33. I hate it when people call me an alcoholic, i prefer drinking enthusiast.
32. Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!
31. Q: You know what’s fun about being sober? A: Nothing.
30. Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him? A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
#29 – 20. Alcohol Jokes
29. Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
28. It’s better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous.
27. Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird
26. A narcissist, a psychiatrist and an alcoholic walk into a bar The waitress turns to the bar tender and asks, “Does he always come in alone?”
25. Why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
24. If you don’t drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
23. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
22. Q: Why doesn’t Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean!
21. You say “Alcoholism”. I say “Liver Crossfit”.
20. It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
#19 – 10. Alcohol Jokes
19. I drink to steady my nerves. Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
18. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
17. Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? A: Four guys drinking Coors Light and watching a football game!
16. When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I’m so lonely, pls help.
15. Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water!
14. Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.
13. Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: “Please, no stories!”
12. Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
11. Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A: He’s nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
10. Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
#9 – 1. Alcohol Jokes
9. Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist? Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.
8. Unlike milk, it’s okay to cry over spilled wine!
7. If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?
6. Q: What does an alcoholic ghost drink? A: BOO’S
5. Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn’t keep asking for Bud Light!
4. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
3. Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine? A: The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it
2. Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up!
1.Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Heineken instead of one.
Ideas for the top 101 alcohol jokes were taken from the following sources. [1]Jokes 4 Us – Alcohol Joke[2]Super Jokes – Alcohol Joke[3]Quick, Funny Jokes! – Beer, Wine and Alcohol Joke[4]Worst Jokes Ever – Alcohol Joke[5]upjoke – Alchol Joke
