Top 101 Chuck Norris Jokes

101. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

100. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

99. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

98. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

97. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.

96. Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

95. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling “Bang!”

94. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

93. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

92. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

91. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

90. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

#89 – 80. Chuck Norris Jokes

89. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

88. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.

87. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

86. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

85. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

84. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied “That’s no glitch.”

83. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

82. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

81. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 55 minutes having sex with his waitress.

80. When Chuck Norris walks across the meadow, he doesn’t smell the flowers. The flowers smell him.

#79 – 70. Chuck Norris Jokes

79. The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

78. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

77. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

76. Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

75. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

74. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

73. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

72. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

71. Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

70. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

#69 – 60. Chuck Norris Jokes

69. They once made a “Chuck Norris” brand toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

68. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

67. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

66. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

65. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

64. Chuck Norris can speak braille.

63. While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.

62. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys!

61. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

60. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways.

#59 – 50. Chuck Norris Jokes

59. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

58. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

57. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

56. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes. He disembowels them.

55. When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

54. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

53. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

52. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

51. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

50. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

#49 – 40. Chuck Norris Jokes

49. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

48. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

47. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

46. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”.

45. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

44. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

43. Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.

42. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

41. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

40. When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.

#39 – 30. Chuck Norris Jokes

39. When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.

38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

37. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this mans blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

36. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

35. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

34. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always answers “Two seconds till”. After you ask “Two seconds to what?”, he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

32. When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris, when Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

31. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

30. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

#29 – 20. Chuck Norris Jokes

29. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

28. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

27. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

26. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

25. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

24. Chuck Norris can rub two pieces of fire together and make wood.

23. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

22. Chuck Norris tried to lose weight. But Chuck Norris NEVER loses.

21. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

20. Chuck Norris doesn’t pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

#19 – 10. Chuck Norris Jokes

19. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

18. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

17. Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

16. A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

15. Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.

14. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

13. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to flush the toilet. He simply goes “Boo!” and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

12. Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone

11. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack… even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

10. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

#9 – 1. Chuck Norris Jokes

9. Faster than a speeding bullet… More powerful than a locomotive… Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… These are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.

8. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

5. When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn’t try to survive. The zombies do.

4. Ghosts sit around campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

3. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

2. Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

1. Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.