Top 101 Dark Humor Jokes

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Dark humor can be quite funny. However, you might feel bad for laughing at dark jokes. With that in mind, check out the top 101 dark humor jokes.

#101 – 90. Dark Humor Jokes

101. What’s the difference between 17 and 18? Five to 10 years.

100. What’s similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking “my mom is gonna kill me”.

99. Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me – I cannot feel my legs!” Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”

98. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died… ” Are you still holding the ladder?”

97. A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

96. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

95. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

94. I want a divorce! But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part. I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.

93. I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

92. What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.

91. I was going to tell a dead baby  joke but I decided to abort.

90. I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

#89 – 80. Dark Humor Jokes

89. One man’s trash is another Man’s treasure? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

88. How do you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty three times.

87. Q: When does a joke become a dad joke? A: When it leaves you and never comes back.

86. Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: I understand. Patient: Understand what?

85. A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

84. Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

83. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.

82. Why is the USA bad at chess? They already lost 2 towers.

81. “You da bomb!” “No, you da bomb!” In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

80. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

#79 – 70. Dark Humor Jokes

79. Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.

78. Titanic: And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”

77. Mom, why is my backpack so heavy? Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.

76. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

75. A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really… We just tell them they’re going to die…”

74. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.

73. I hate these double standards…if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re “doing a good job” do it at home and your “destroying evidence”.

72. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

71. What’s white on top and black on the bottom? Society.

70. My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.

#69 – 60. Dark Humor Jokes

69. Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

68. Oh daddy, I love you so much! Hey, until we get the DNA test, I’m just Harry to you!

67. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

66. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

65. Q: When does a joke become a dad joke? A: When the punchline becomes apparent.

64. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

63. Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far! Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

62. My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking…I came home with tampons.

61. Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?

60. What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them.

#59 – 50. Dark Humor Jokes

59. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

58. The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

57. What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.

56. I’ll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon. I mean – you’ve got a gun, haven’t you?!

55. Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly? Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.

54. “Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”

53. I called a suicide hotline in Iraq…They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

52. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

51. Knock Knock. Who’s there? 9/11, 9/11 who? You said you would never forget…

50. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

#49 – 40. Dark Humor Jokes

49. I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend’s kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

48. You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

47. That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

46. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

45. What did the man with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. He hasn’t opened his present yet.

44. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

43. Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith? Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

42. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater. A week later, he told me it’s the most violent book he’s ever read.

41. “Madam, your son just called me ugly!” The mother apologizes shamefacedly, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look…”

40. Did Jesus die a virgin? Of course not! he got nailed before he died.

#39 – 30. Dark Humor Jokes

39. When a women removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye. But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it…

38. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

37. “I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.” “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!” “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”

36. Spotter: I wonder what was the last thing that went through his mind. Sniper. Probably that bullet.

35. “Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.

34. You can’t say that Hitler was bad through and through. He did kill Hitler, after all.

33. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

32. What do you give an armless child for Christmas? Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

31. Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding gas?

30. Son, “Mommy, mommy, daddy hanged himself in the attic!” Mother, “What??!!” Son, “Gotcha, April’s fool! He hangs in the garage.”

#29 – 20. Dark Humor Jokes

29. My boss said to me, “you’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

28. Why are orphans unable to play baseball? They’ve never known what home is.

27. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

26. After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Btw – verb, not adjective.

25. How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you can throw.

24. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

23. Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

22. My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.

21. At a first date: He: “I work with animals every day!” She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?” He: “I’m a butcher.”

20. My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Atlanta Zoo.

#19 – 10. Dark Humor Jokes

19. Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.

18. Q: When does a joke become a dad joke? A: When it’s fully groan.

17. What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.

16. How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand? The blind start reading your face.

15. A box of condoms, please. That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it? Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

14. It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

13. I took my wife’s family out for biscuits and tea. They weren’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

12. I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

11. There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

10. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

#9 – 1. Dark Humor Jokes

9. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

8. Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home. That’s perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

7. I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

6. A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

5. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

4. I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

3. What’s red and bad for you teeth? A Brick.

2. When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

1. Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” “To the morgue.” “What? But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet.”

Ideas for the top 101 dark humor jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Short Funny – The Best of Black Humor / Dark Jokes^[2]College Humor – 10 Dark Jokes That Are Not For the Faint of Heart^[3]Worst Jokes Ever – Morbid Jokes^[4]Runt of the Web – 69 Dark Jokes So Bleak You’ll Need A Flashlight To Read Them^[5]indy 100 – 6 jokes only people with a dark sense of humour will find funny^[6]Funny World Market