Top 101 History Jokes

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Taking history in school might have made you go to sleep. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. With that in mind, check out below for the top 101 history jokes.

#101 – 90. History Jokes

101. Q: What’s the fruitiest school subject? A: History, because it’s full of dates.

100. Q: What did Mason say to Dixon? A: We’ve got to draw the line here!

99. Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? A: They both have “The” as a middle name.

98. Q: Why aren’t you doing well in history? A: Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

97. Q: What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? A: It can’t sit down.

96. Chuck Norris is the only person who can write history of the future.

95. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

94. Q: What kind of tea did the American colonists want? A: Liberty.

93. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

92. Only once in history has Chuck Norris snapped his fingers, scientists call it The Big Bang.

91. Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages? A: By norse code!

90. The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

#89 – 80. History Jokes

89. Q: What was the world’s first palindrome? A: Madam, I’m Adam.

88. Q: What was Camelot? A: A place to park camels.

87. What was King Arthur’s favourite game ? Knights and crosses !

86. Q: Why did Arthur have a round table ? A: So he couldn’t be cornered.

85. Who invented King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

84. Q: Who was the biggest thief in history? A: Atlas, because he held up the entire world .

83. Q: What explorer was the best at Hiding and Seek? A: Marco Polo.

82. They say that if I don’t support transgender rights I’m on the wrong side of history. At least I’m on the right side of the firing squad.

81. Q: How were the first Americans like ants? A: They also lived in colonies.

80. Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.

#79 – 70. History Jokes

79. Q: What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? A: Toga-ether we can rule the world!

78. Q: How was the Roman Empire divided? A: Using a pair of Caesars.

77. Q: What was the greatest achievement of the early Romans? A: Learning how to speak Latin.

76. Q: Why did the Native Americans hunt bear? A: They didn’t – they wore clothes.

75. When a knight in armor was killed in battle, what sign did they put on this grave? Rust in peace.

74. Q: What’s the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale? A: You can’t keep a good man down.

73. Q: Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? A: On their feet.

72. Q: Who cleaned up after the animals on the ark? A: I have Noah idea!

71. Q: Why did the Pilgrims want to set sail during the spring? A: Because April showers bring May flowers.

70. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.

#69 – 60. History Jokes

69. Reading Chuck Norris Facts is the same as learning history.

68. Q: Who built the ark? A: I have Noah idea!

67. Who’s the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

66. Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? A: Because there were so many knights!

65. What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act? They licked the British.

64. Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas? A: His family and Friends.

63. Q: Why didn’t Socrates like old French fries? A: Because they were made in ancient Greece.

62. Q: What is a snake’s favorite subject in school? A: Hissssstory.

61. Q: Why is England the wettest country in the world? A: Because a queen has reigned there for so long.

60. Q: Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons? A: Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train!

#59 – 50. History Jokes

59. Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half? A: With a pair of Caesars!

58. Q: Why did Columbus cross the ocean? A: To get to the other tide.

57. Q: Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army? A: Laugh-ayette

56. Who was the worlds first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

55. Yo Mama so old…When she was at school…there was No history class!

54. The answer to all the questions on your history test tomorrow is Chuck Norris.

53. Before the 16th century, the sun really did go around the earth. Chuck Norris just decided to change it as a prank.

52. Who’s the most famous Jewish cook in history? Hitler.

51. Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to? A: Plymouth Rock

50. Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? A: The same middle name!

#49 – 40. History Jokes

49. What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock

48. “The Day the Earth Stood Still” is based off the one day in Earth’s history when Chuck Norris slept.

47. What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates!

46. Q: Why did the knight run around shouting for a can opener? A: He had a bumble bee in his suit of armour!

45. Q: When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave? A: Rust in peace!

44. Which English king invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.

43. Q: Why did George Washington say he chopped down the cherry tree? A: Nothing – he was stumped.

42. Q: Who designed Noah’s ark? A: An ark-itect.

41. A teacher asks one of their pupils, “Can you describe Napoleon’s origin?” The pupil replies, “‘Course I can.” (Corsican)

40. The problem with studying history is that the teachers just seem to Babylon.

#39 – 30. History Jokes

39. Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

38. Q: Who made King Arthur’s round table? A: Sir Cumference

37. Q: Why did Renoir become an Impressionist? A: He did it for the Monet.

36. Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party? A: I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!

35. Q: What do history teachers talk about at parties? A: The good old days.

34. Q: Who invented fractions? A: Henry the 1/4th!

33. Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom.

32. Police Officer says “We’ll never forget 9/11…” In my mind: “I hope not It’s your damn number!”

31. Q: What’s purple and 5000 miles long? A: The grape wall of China.

30. Q: How does Moses make his tea? A: Hebrews it.

#29 – 20. History Jokes

29. Q: What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? A: Floodlights!

28. Those who ignore history, are doomed by Chuck Norris.

27. What was Camelot ? A place where people parked their camels!

26. Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school? A: History, because it’s full of dates!

25. Q: What was the most popular dance in 1776? A: Indepen-dance.

24. Q: Why was the Pharoah boastful? A: Because he Sphinx he’s the best.

23. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? A: Flood lights.

22. Q: Where did Montezuma go to college? A: Az Tech.

21. How do you to play War of 1812? You burn down a White House.

20. Q: What did the colonists do because of the Stamp Act? A: They licked the British.

#19 – 10. History Jokes

19. Q: Who made King Arthur’s round table? A: Sir-Cumference

18. Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? A: Because there were so many knights.

17. Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages? A: Norse code.

16. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims

15. Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A: At the bottom!

14. To finally solve whether Mona-Lisa is smiling or not, Chuck Norris took a quick look at it. She’s crying

13. Q: What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? A: Let’s rule Toga-ether!

12. Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

11. Q: What was the Declaration of Independence signed in? A: Ink.

10. Q: What did colonists wear at the Boston Tea Party ? A: T-Shirts.

#9 – 1. History Jokes

9. Q: Why did Julius Caesar need crayons? A: He wanted to Mark Antony.

8. Q: Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day! A: Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

7. Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.

6. If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.

5. Q: What’s purple and about 5000 miles long? A: The grape wall of China.

4. Me: I Wish I had been born 1000 years ago. Friend: Why is that? Me: Just think of all the history that I wouldn’t have to learn!

3. Q: Why do Americans like black candles? A: Because it reminds them of ‘the good old days’.

2. Q: Why is history class so hard? A: Because the teacher asks about things that happened before you were born.

1. Q: Who invented fractions? A: Henry the 1/8th.

Ideas for the top 101 history jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Ducksters – History Joke^[2]Unijokes – The best history joke^[3]Fun Kids Jokes – History Jokes for Kids^[4]LaffGaff – Funny History Puns^[5]Jokes 4 Us – History Joke