Top 35 Masturbation Jokes

Les Listes is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Masturbation is a normal thing. However, for many people they think of it as something dirty or funny. With that in mind, check out the top 35 masturbation jokes.

#35 – 30. Masturbation Jokes

35. I walked into a room full of men masturbating. – They all looked shocked when I didn’t stop.

34. So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

33. Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.

32. Yo’ Mama is so skanky, her dildo came with jumper cables.

31. Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.

30. What does a baby in a blender look like? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

#29 – 20. Masturbation Jokes

29. What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower? You got off clean

28. What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.

27. Q: What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common? A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

26. Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task? A: When he’s watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time…

25. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.

24. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

23. When i masterbate things cum when a old man dose no one cums

22. Boy goes to Confession Boy ” What are you doing father” Priest “Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it” Boy ” Why do you say that father” Priest ” Cause my hand is getting tired”

21. If you start at a bait shop you’re an amateur baiter but once you achieve the highest level you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on shrimp boat

20. Q: What’s the ultimate rejection? A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

#19 – 10. Masturbation Jokes

19. Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

18. What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he’s masturbating? – His ears.

17. Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.

16. Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate? A: Liar.

15. Q: How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? A: Tell them you can’t cum.

14. Getting married is like buying a dishwasher. You’ll never have to do it by hand again.

13. Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other.

12. How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave? I don’t know, I can’t count while I masturbate…

11. A guy is at home and he’s about to go get a physical at the Doctor’s office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, “Brian, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, “So I can examine you!”

10. what did the mans dick say to the man? i just cant “hand”le it

#9 – 1. Masturbation Jokes

9. What do you call a group of masturbating cows? Beef stroganoff

8. I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said “Come on I was gonna eat that later! Now it’s just gonna taste like carrots!”

7. Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.

6. Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.

5. How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating

4. If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

3. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: “What are you shaking about, it’s me she’s going to eat.”

2. The first priest asks the second, “How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?”, the priest replies, “No clue… I close my eyes when I masturbate”

1.”Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter’s hand.” “Why? I don’t get it, don’t you have a hand?” “I do sir, but I’m sick and tired with my own hand sir!”

Ideas for the top 35 masturbation jokes come from the following sources.^[1]SuperJokes – Masturbation Joke^[2]Worst Jokes Ever – Masturbation Joke^[3]Unijokes – The best masturbation joke