Top 100 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#81. The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
– Businessman Stanley Randall

#80. I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
– Demetri Martin

#79 – 70 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#79. We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
– Rita Rudner

#78. How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.
– Jimmy Kimmel

#77. Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
– Comedian Adam

#76. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
– Albert Einstein

#75. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
– José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

#74. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
– Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

#73. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.
– Bill McGlashen

#72. Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
– Unknown

#71. He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
– Chuck Tanner

#70. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
– Thomas F. Jones, Jr.

#69 – 60 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#69. A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat.’
– Steven Alexander Wright

#68. When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
– Mark Twain

#67. The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Albert Einstein

#66. Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
– Anonymous

#65. Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
– Samuel Goldwyn

#64. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
– Richard Bach

#63. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
– John Fitzgerald Kennedy

#62. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
– Fredrick Nietzsche

#61. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
– Voltaire

#60. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
– Winston Churchill

#59 – 50 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#59. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
– Albert Einstein

#58. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
– Bob Hope

#57. Half of the people in the world are below average.
– Anonymous

#56. I like children – fried.
– W.C. Fields

#55. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
– Anonymous

#54. Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
– Bob Monkhouse

#53. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
– Fredrick Nietzsche

#52. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
– Voltaire

#51. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
– Winston Churchill

#50. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
– Steve Martin

#49 – 40 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#49. Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.
– Albert Einstein

#48. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go
– Oscar Wilde

#47. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
– Albert Einstein

#46. A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
– Anonymous

#45. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
– Robert Frost

#44. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
– Fredrick Nietzsche

#43. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
– Voltaire

#42. If you are going through hell, keep going.
– Winston Churchill

#41. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
– Steve Martin

#40. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
– Jerry Seinfeld

#39 – 30 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#39. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein

#38. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

#37. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
– Anonymous

#36. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese.
– Chris Rock

#35. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
– Fredrick Nietzsche

#34. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
– Voltaire

#33. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
– Winston Churchill

#32. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
– Steve Martin

#31. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
– Jerry Seinfeld

#30. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

#29 – 20 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#29. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
– Albert Einstein

#28. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
– Unknown

#27. I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
– Ilie Nastase

#26. The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
– David Friedman

#25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
– Unknown

#24. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
– Issac Asimov

#23. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
– Anonymous

#22. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

#21. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
– Mae West

#20. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
– Ronald Reagan

#19 – 10 Funny Quotes and Sayings

#19. There was a time when people said, ‘Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.’ Now they just say, ‘Pay him!’
– Jim Carey

#18. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
– Unknown

#17. The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.
– Albert Einstein

#16. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
– Al McGuire

#15. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
– Earl Wilson

#14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
– Will Rogers

#13. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright

#12. People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
– Calvin

#11. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
– Anonymous

#10. Every morning, I get up and look through the ‘Forbes’ list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben

#9 – 1 Funny Quotes and Sayings