Top 100 Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
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A wedding and a marriage is a legally recognized union between two people. It is a happy time in one person’s life. However, it can also lead to many funny situations. Check out below for the top 100 wedding jokes and marriage jokes.
Table of Contents
#100 – 90. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#100. Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.
#99. One golfer to another: First it was my marriage; now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.
#98. Why should you avoid marrying a tennis player? Because “love” means nothing to them.
#97. How do you get a man to repair something around the house? Tell him he’s too old to for it.
#96. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
#95. It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
#94. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
#93. The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly, try-weekly, and try-weakly.
#92. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
#91. Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
#90. Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out
#89 – 80. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#89. Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
#88. How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
#87. Wife: [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked? Husband: Yep. Wife: What temperature? Husband: 534. Wife: That’s the clock. Husband: … Wife: … Husband: 535.
#86. Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street
#85. What caused a woman not to talk to her mother-in-law for 18 months? She didn’t want to interrupt her.
#84. A guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’ His friend replies, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
#83. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.
#82. A man noticed his credit card has been stolen – but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
#81. Why did the bride cry when she saw her wedding cake? Because the cake is in tiers.
#80. Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
#79 – 70. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#79. Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.
#78. When a couple gets married, why is it that the woman changes her name? Because men can’t handle that much planning.
#77. Why is love never having to say your sorry? Because you’ll never get a word in edgewise.
#76. What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
#75. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
#74. My husband-to-be and I were at the county clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information–names, dates of birth, etc–the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, “No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties.”
#73. Marriage is like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised how many re-enlist.
#72. How do you know when you’re at a redneck wedding? All the guests are sitting on the same side of the aisle.
#71. Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
#70. What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed & goes to the fridge.
#69 – 60. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#69. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
#68. What’s the difference between getting married and getting circumcised? When you get married, they make you keep the whole prick.
#67. My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
#66. I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
#65. The bride wept, the bridesmaids cried – and even the wedding cake was in tiers.
#64. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes
#63. Wife: “I love you.” Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?” Wife: “It’s me. Talking to the wine.”
#62. [plane about to crash] Wife: If you have anything to say to me you need to say it now. Husband: Remember when I said the dog ate our Yankee Candle?
#61. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
#60. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
#59 – 50. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#59. Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
#58. Why is marriage is like a violin? After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
#57. What kind of institution is Marriage? One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
#56. Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.” Man to wife: “What did she say?” Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
#55. My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
#54. Honey, do you think I gained weight? No, I think the living room got smaller.
#53. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.
#52. She is a great housekeeper – after ever divorce she gets to keep the house.
#51. What is the ideal marriage? A marriage between a deaf man and a blind woman
#50. “A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.””
#49 – 40. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#49. Why do brides cry at weddings? Because they never marry the best man!
#48. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
#47. Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!
#46. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.
#45. “Some people ask the secret of Anthony’s long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.”
#44. She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows – she said “What’s all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?”
#43. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don’t work.
#42. Whats the difference between marrying a Mama’s Boy and a Daddy’s Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father!
#41. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
#40. What is the difference between a sofa and a husband watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
#39 – 30. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#39. What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
#38. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
#37. What’s the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free
#36. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day…so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
#35. My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
#34. For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
#33. I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
#32. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? No one knows—that’s why it’s a secret.
#31. If love is ‘grand’, what is divorce? A hundred grand, or more.
#30. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask for directions.
#29 – 20. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#29. What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds
#28. My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
#27. Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
#26. My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
#25. Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
#24. I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
#23. You know you have been married a while when you can correctly answer “What’s that one person’s name in that movie about the thing?”
#22. A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?” The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
#21. How do you transfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married!
#20. How are marriages like your lazy friends? Most of them don’t work out.
#19 – 10. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#19. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
#18. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.
#17. Why are you incomplete until you get married? Because after marriage, you’re finished.
#16. What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred
#15. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. “Not on your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”.
#14. I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
#13. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
#12. Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband!
#11. My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again. I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
#10. How is a marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot
#9 – 1. Wedding Jokes and Marriage Jokes
#9. What does marriage do? It puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
#8. What’s the most effective way for someone to remember an anniversary? Forget it once.
#7. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
#6. Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.
#5. How is marriage different than most wars? It’s the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
#4. What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
#3. At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports? Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
#2. Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!” Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”
#1. What four letter words can still shock the most progressive of today’s brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook, and bake.
The wedding jokes and marriage jokes were taken from the following resources.[1]Modern Wedding – WEDDING JOKE[2]One Line Fun – Marriage one liners[3]BuzzFeed – 36 Jokes About Marriage That Will Make You Both Laugh[4]ee – 15 jokes about marriage that are slightly more pleasant than marriage[5]Marriage Jokes[6]shorty-funny.com – Husband and Wife Jokes[7]Tree Hut – Marriage Jokes You Both Can Laugh At[8]Quick Funny Jokes[9]Huffington Post – 14 One-Liners That Sum Up What Marriage Is Really Like
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