Top 56 Beauty Jokes

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or at least that is how the saying goes. With that in mind, check out the top 56 beauty jokes.

#56 – 50. Beauty Jokes

56. First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

55. A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. “Nothing,” replied the assistant. “Nothing?” she asked, “but how can I look like a film star?” “Haven’t you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?” replied the assistant.

54. Girl you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.

53. My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!said Miss Conceited. Then he’s right said her little brother. Sophia Loren? “No-spaghetti!

52. Fred keeps telling me that he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, what a shame! And you’ve been engaged for such a long time!

51. You’re ugly. And you re drunk. Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober!

50. Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. I thought it was love at first sight, said Julie. It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

#49 – 40. Beauty Jokes

49. What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks!

48. Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive…Does anyone actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?

47. Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.

46. They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she’s escaped from the funny farm?

45. Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.

44. Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do!

43. First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity? Second girl: No, it’s imagination.

42. How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

41. Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

40. Mary: Do you think my sister’s pretty? Gary: Well, let’s just say if you pulled her pigtail she’d probably say oink, oink!

#39 – 30. Beauty Jokes

39. First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

38. Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat.

37. They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention.

36. A little boy came running into the kitchen. Dad, dad he said, there’s a monster at the door with a really ugly face Tell him you’ve already got one, said his father!

35. Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing?

34. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

33. “Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I’m a freak” “Shut up and comb your face”

32. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

31. I saw the woman who’s in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her secret really is. “I’m twenty two”, she said.

30. A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said “Gosh, your ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before” “Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted” “Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”

#29 – 20. Beauty Jokes

29. Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance? Man: It did for a while – then it fell off.

28. Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.

27. My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, “yeah, Deez-el fit her.”

26. I’m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem – you don’t please anyone.

25. I can’t understand why people say my girlfriend’s legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks – but they certainly don’t match.

24. Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn’t pretty and wasn’t ugly? She was pretty ugly

23. I’ve just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!

22. Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn’t find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

21. You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.

20. My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

#19 – 10. Beauty Jokes

19. What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

18. Monster: I’m so ugly. Ghost: It’s not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

17. Today my boss told me my facial hair is bad for business, Nothing’s been said by any of the other escorts though.

16. My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.

15. She’s the kind of girl that boys look at twice – they can’t believe it the first time.

14. I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice. You don’t want justice – you want mercy!

13. Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, I took my girlfriend to see The bride of Dracula last night. Oh yeah, said the other, what was she like? Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs. The other said,

12. My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.

11. People keep telling me I’m beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.

10. Don’t look out of the window, Betty, people will think it’s Halloween.

#9 – 1. Beauty Jokes

9. Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back. Will: Pity it’s not on her head.

8. What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch:

7. Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.

6. My boyfriend thinks I m beautiful Well they do say that love is blind!

5. Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.

4. An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

3. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

2. She’s so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

1. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

Ideas for the top 56 beauty jokes come from the following sources.^[1]One Line Fun – Beauty One Liners^[2]Funny Jokes – Funny Beauty Joke^[3]Unijokes – The best beauty joke^[4]ijokes – Jokes in category: “beauty”^[5]jokes4all – Beauty joke