Top 69 German Jokes

Germany has a long and storied history. Part of that history is a lot of jokes about them. Check out below for the top 69 German jokes.

#69 – 60. German Jokes

69. After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be – Bonn or Berlin – a compromise was struck: Paris.

68. Q: What does a German politican have in common with a German pornstar’s mouth? A: They’re both full of shit.

67. How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.

66. Q: Why is the German Prime Minister never seen in the morning? A: Becasue she is pm not am!

65. Q: How do Germans tie their shoes? A: With little knotsies

64. Q: What do you call a pissed off German? A: Sauerkraut.

63. What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

62. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

61. How many Jews fit into a Volkswagen ? Ten. Two in the front, two rear, and six in the ashtray.

60. Q: What’s the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

#59 – 50. German Jokes

59. Q: What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard? A: A new last name.

58. Q: How do you get rid of aristocratic Germans? A: Von by von.

57. Knock Knock Who’s there? Gestapo, Gestapo who? Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

56. Knock knock Who’s there ? Nazi war criminal, Nazi war criminal who ? Your on the jury.

55. Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade.

54. Q: What do you call an German in the World Cup final? A: A Referee.

53. Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? A: Me neither.

52. Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: “Consider the word for ‘butterfly’. In Spanish, it is pronounced ‘Mariposa’, a beautiful sounding word.” The French man says: “True, but ‘Papillion’, the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful.” “What’s wrong with ‘Schmetterling’?” – asks the German.

51. Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? A: The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

50. What’s the difference between a Jew and a Pizza? The pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

#49 – 40. German Jokes

49. Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Germany? A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

48. Q: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. We are very efficient and this is not a joke.

47. Q: Why did the Germans start two world wars? A: It was the only way they could get visitors.

46. Q: If your American in the living room what are you in the bathroom? A: European

45. Q: Where do germs go on vacation? A: To Germany.

44. The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for “fluffy.”

43. Q: Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? A: Germans like to march in the shade.

42. Q: What’s the difference between German socialism and an orgasm? A: With German socialism, you moan for a helluva lot longer.

41. Q: What is the difference between Christianity and national socialism? A: In Christianity, one guy died for all the others.

40. Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

#39 – 30. German Jokes

39. Happiness is a German cook who doesn’t.

38. Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went “tick tick tick”? A: Vee haf vays to make you tock

37. Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? A: Because deep down they are really nice.

36. A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: “They don’t serve BEER here, you moron!”, to which the German replied in astonishment, “You mean you’re here for the food?”

35. A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived? The German. He was at work.

34. Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ? A: It’s got ten seats inside.

33. What is the German word for virgin. Gesundheit (i.e., “Goes-in-tight”)

32. Q: Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

31. Knock knock Who’s there? Ze resistanz How can I be sure? Ze Gestapo never lies!

30. Q: Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? A: They give them gas.

#29 – 20. German Jokes

29. Q: How many people from Dresden can you fit in a Mini Cooper? A: About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel.

28. Q: What’s the difference between German striker Miroslav Klose and a puppy? A: A puppy will eventually stop whining.

27. Q: What’s the difference between a German and his girlfriend? A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

26. What does it mean when a cow is nicer than a woman? – You are in Germany!”

25. Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won’t have to go around being nice while they fix them.

24. Q: What do you call a German Virgin? A: Good n Tight.

23. Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? Me neither.

22. Q: Do Germans work after 8pm? A: Nein!

21. Q: What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff? A: “Look, mother, no Hans!”

20. What’s the difference between German striker Miroslav Klose and a puppy? A puppy will eventually stop whining.

#19 – 10. German Jokes

19. Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? A: First, invade ze kitchen.

18. How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a Mini Cooper? About 25000 if you’ve got a shovel.

17. What’s the difference between an English, a French and a Germany pensioner? The English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing. The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule. The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

16. Q: How does every German joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

15. Q: What tea do German futbol players drink? A. PenalTea!

14. What lies between fear and sex? Fünf.

13. Have you heard about the new German microwave? It’s got ten seats inside.

12. What do you call a constipated German? “Fahrfrompoopin”

11. How does a German eat mussels? Knock, Knock, Knock… Aufmachen!

10. What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best comedian? Only the first one can make you smile.

#9 – 1. German Jokes

9. Q: Who is the most well known Jewish cook? A: Hitler.

8. Q: What’s a german’s favorite number? A: Nein!

7. Q: Why do German futbol players do so well in math? A: They know how to use their heads.

6. “Two Martinis, bitte.” “Dry?” “Nein, I said TWO!”

5. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Gestapo. Gestapo who?

4. Q: What do you call a Blind German? A: a Not see

3. What is the german word for vaseline? Der Weinersleider

2. Did Hitler wipe himself with his left or right hand? Neither. He used toilet paper. He wasn’t THAT crazy.

1. Why do Germans have huge heads? Otherwise the mouth would not fit in.