Top 81 Sick Jokes

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Sick jokes are some of the best jokes. You might not want to laugh, but it is hard not to most of the time. With that in mind, check out the top 81 sick jokes.

#81 – 80. Sick Jokes

81. When I was a kid, my family was very poor…One afternoon I remember my dad was preparing supper and was cutting up Onions and our whole family was crying. Poor Onions. He was such a good dog…

80. I wanked over a blind girl yesterday. She never saw me coming.

#79 – 70. Sick Jokes

79. Cannibal Husband – I don’t like your Mother. Cannibal Wife- Try the potatoes.

78. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

77. Why do women always have sex with the lights off? Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

76. What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.

75. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

74. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

73. Why do women have legs? Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?

72. Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

71. Women dont want to hear mens’ opinions, they want to hear their own opinions but in a deeper voice.

70. Alpacin Caffeine shampoo, German engineering for your hair’. Anyone else concerned about trusting German shower products

#69 – 60. Sick Jokes

69. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

68. What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole.

67. How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.

66. What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

65. What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common? Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.

64. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.

63. Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

62. How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it is gone.

61. After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? My penis.

60. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

#59 – 50. Sick Jokes

59. I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?” “Years of practice,” she said. “Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed. “No,” she replied, “my dad had no arms.”

58. What is the best part of a blowjob? Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

57. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

56. What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

55. What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re having a wank? Your ears.

54. Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night. She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn’t very sexy.

53. After my wife died, I told my daughter she had to take on her mother’s responsibilities. Including in the bedroom. So later that night, she told me she had a headache and went to sleep.

52. I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

51. Hear about the blind man who bled to death trying to read a cheese grater?

50. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

#49 – 40. Sick Jokes

49. What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business.

48. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

47. Why does a showerhead have 11 holes? Cause Jews only have 10 fingers.

46. I wrote a book called ‘My permanently exposed penis’. It’s out now.

45. What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables? The wheelchair.

44. Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

43. Some mornings I wake up bitchy. Other mornings I let her sleep.

42. I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

41. I was telling Dave how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother. “Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?” he asked “Well not really, I only went back two days”

40. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

#39 – 30. Sick Jokes

39. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.

38. How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

37. What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs? Names.

36. I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say “You’re next”. They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals…

35. A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?” Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

34. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF File.

33. What’s long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.

32. What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.

31. Real men don’t wear pink…They eat it.

30. How did the leper hockey game end? There was a face off in the corner.

#29 – 20. Sick Jokes

29. What’s the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer? The taste

28. I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why, she said, “because I’m trying to examine you!”

27. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

26. How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

25. I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back. Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

24. A man says to his wife “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” His wife replies, “You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother”

23. When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out. That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.

22. I’ve just had a shit that was so big that it touched the water before breaking off. That’s pretty impressive from the middle diving board.

21. I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

20. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

#19 – 10. Sick Jokes

19. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

18. What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They’re both meat substitutes.

17. Say what you want about pedophiles…But at least they drive slow through the school zones.

16. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

15. What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate? A liar.

14. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?They couldn’t close his casket.

13. I added Paul walker on Xbox…But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

12. What’s a Jewish dilemma? Free pork.

11. Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

10. How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping? You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

#9 – 1. Sick Jokes

9. Three Jokes for the Price of One …..(1) Why did Princess Diana cross the road? …She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. …(2) Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio after her death?.and the dashboard, and the steering wheel, and the windshield…(3) How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff? …She left her head and shoulders on the windshield.

8. What was David Bowie’s last hit? Probably heroin.

7. I walked into a bedroom and caught my Nan sucking Grandad’s cock, I said “Nan that’s disgusting”. She said it’s perfectly normal. I said, “No, its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him”

6. Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold? Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

5. Let’s test the way you think :-thepenisinhermouth. Did you read ‘the pen is in her mouth’? Nah, me neither.

4. My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex…I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

3. What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common? They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

2. The guy I’ve been paying to pick up shit in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .

1.What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke.

Ideas for the top 81 sick jokes come from the following sources.^[1]SuperJokes – Sick Joke^[2]Thought Catalog – 50 F***** Up Jokes You Should Never Tell Your Easily Offended Friends^[3]Top Funny Jokes – Sick Joke