Top 101 Baby Jokes

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Babies are really cute, whether it be a boy or a girl. However, they can also be really funny. With that in mind, check out the top 101 baby jokes.

#101 – 90. Baby Jokes

101. What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

100. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he sucked on a pacifier and made it cry.

99. What did the Asian parents name their retarded baby. Sum ting wong.

98. A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. “Well, Skip,” said the scout, “Dad had only one bottle of beer left, so I let my baby brother have it.”

97. How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep? You rocket.

96. When at night do parents change the most diapers? In the wee wee hours.

95. What is the definition of fun? Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.

94. Parent #1: “Why is there a strange baby in the crib?” Parent #2: “You told me to change the baby.”

93. Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender? A: I don’t know, I just like to hear them scream.

92. Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.

91. What has 10 arms and blood all over it? A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.

90. Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

#89 – 80. Baby Jokes

89. Why do we dress babies in onesies? Because they can’t dress themselves.

88. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.

87. Q: Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies? A: There is one at the bottom that is still alive.

86. Q: Whats worse then that? A: He goes back for more.

85. What has more brains than a dead baby? The wall behind it.

84. Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

83. A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.

82. Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

81. Why didn’t the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said “18-40 lbs”.

80. What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don’t stink when you leave it out in the sun.

#79 – 70. Baby Jokes

79. What’s worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

78. Girlfriend pregnant error… Abort, Marry, Ignore?

77. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby’s forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

76. What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

75. Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?  A: I don’t know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn’t fixed.

74. Q: What’s blue and knocks on glass? A: A baby in a fishtank

73. How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine’s Day? You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a bouquet of roses up his ass.

72. What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog’s mouth? Your baby’s leg.

71. What present do you get for a dead baby? A dead puppy.

70. Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

#69 – 60. Baby Jokes

69. Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

68. Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital? It came out cordless!

67. What is a baby? “A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.”

66. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.

65. Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls? A: Dead babies.

64. What is little and can’t fit through a door? A baby with a spear in its head.

63. Q: What’s more offensive than a truck full of dead babies? A: Taking them out with pitchforks.

62. Random person to a parent holding two babies: “Hey! Are those twins?” Parent: “Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home.”

61. The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.

60. Q: How do you know if your baby is dead? A: Your 3-year-old daughter has put on allot of weight in the last day or two.

#59 – 50. Baby Jokes

59. What are the two reasons why babies wear diapers? Number 1 and Number 2!

58. What bounces up and down at 100mph? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

57. Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the koala landed on it.

56. How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it’s head.

55. What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

54. Your momma’s pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn.

53. What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!

52. What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

51. How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.

50. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art.

#49 – 40. Baby Jokes

49. What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday? A dead puppy!

48. Yo’ mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.

47. Q: Whats worse then that? A: He has to eat his way out.

46. Q: Why did the tree fall over? A: The koala never let go.

45. How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

44. What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life? You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

43. Q: What is green and sits in the corner? A: Same dead baby two weeks later!

42. What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry.

41. Q: What’s red and sits in a highchair? A: A baby eating razor-blades.

40. Q: What’s blue and sits in the corner? A1: Baby in a cellophane bag. A2: Dead Baby playing with saranwrap.

#39 – 30. Baby Jokes

39. What’s blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.

38. Q: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass every ten seconds? A: Dead baby in a carousel microwave! (works best if told while in a swivel chair)

37. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it’s hair with a potato peeler.

36. I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. “Here’s the cutest baby animal ever.” “Now let’s watch something eat it.”

35. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

34. How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.

33. What do you call a baby potato?  A small fry.

32. What’s blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.

31. How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it’s head.

30. What’s better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag? 1 dead baby in 10 bags.

#29 – 20. Baby Jokes

29. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

28. What is height of Laziness? Adopting a child.

27. Q: What’s brown and taps on the window? A: A baby in a microwave!

26. What is red and pink and can’t turn round in a corridor? A baby with a javelin through its throat.

25. Why would the cannibal only eat babies? He was on a diet!

24. Why can’t a parent change a light bulb? Because they don’t make diapers small enough.

23. What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

22. Parent to her friend: “I’m exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m.” Friend: “It’s probably not good to keep a baby up that late.”

21. Q: How do you get them out? A: Chips.

20. What’s red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.

#19 – 10. Baby Jokes

19. What’s the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

18. What’s the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn’t harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

17. What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ? Cancer.

16. Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner? A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

15. When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn’t have teddy bears. Know why? He had real bears.

14. How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? The dog plays with it more.

13. What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch? Doing it with a snow blower.

12. Q: What’s blue and thrashes about on the floor? A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

11. Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

10. Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender? A: I didn’t catch it, I was too busy masturbating.

#9 – 1. Baby Jokes

9. Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they’re hand made.

8. How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends how hard you throw them.

7. What’s green and sits in the corner? That same baby three weeks later.

6. What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? Twins in an acid bath.

5. What has 4 legs and one arm? A doberman on a children’s playground.

4. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.

3. Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties

2. Who’s bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he’s a little Bigger.

1.What’s the difference between a dead baby and an onion. You don’t cry when you chop up a dead baby.

Ideas for the top 101 baby jokes were taken from the following sources. ^[1]Unijokes – The best dead baby joke^[2]Super Joke – Baby Joke^[3]redbrick – (very) Sick Dead Baby Joke^[4]S.Krause – Dead Baby Joke^[5]Buzzfeed – 19 “Dad Jokes” About Babies That Will Make You Laugh, Then Groan