Top 101 Dirty Jokes

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Telling dirty jokes can be a thin line. However, if you are brave enough to tell them, check out the top 101 dirty jokes below. You are bound to get plenty of laughs.

#101 – 90. Dirty Jokes

101. What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there!

100. What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit

99. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.

98. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

97. Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and it’s down your chimney.

96. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

95. What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? Two Test-tickles

94. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.

93. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.

92. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

91. My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

90. If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…is that sexual harassment?

#89 – 80. Dirty Jokes

89. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

88. Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

87. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I’ve never had a lentil on my chest.

86. How do you get a Nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.”

85. What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in!

84. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

83. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.

82. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

81. What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

80. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

#79 – 70. Dirty Jokes

79. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.

78. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.

77. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

76. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

75. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

74. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

73. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

72. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.

71. Why do mice have such small balls? So few of them know how to dance.

70. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

#69 – 60. Dirty Jokes

69. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

68. What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.

67. How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

66. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

65. If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke. If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

64. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

63. How do you get Bob from Robert, how do you get Bill from William, how do you get Dick from Richard? You ask him nicely.

62. What’s worse than ants in your pants. Uncles.

61. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

60. Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

#59 – 50. Dirty Jokes

59. Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other? Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.

58. What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

57. What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese

56. Why didn’t the Toilet Paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack

55. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.

54. Two deer walk out of a gay bar…One says to the other, ‘Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!’

53. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

52. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.

51. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

50. What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.

#49 – 40. Dirty Jokes

49. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? Even thoughts can raise them.

48. What do a woman and a bar have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

47. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?…it’s not hard.

46. Know what a 6.9 is? Another good thing screwed up by a period.

45. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

44. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.

43. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

42. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

41. Sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.

40. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.

#39 – 30. Dirty Jokes

39. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them.

38. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

37. Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

36. Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it’s rainy outside. “No – it’s windy!”

35. Why do walruses love a tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

34. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

33. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.

32. Know what old pussy tastes like? Eh. Depends.

31. Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

30. What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

#29 – 20. Dirty Jokes

29. Rachel was banging her calculator on the table. Mr. Holland yells at her, “Rachel! How would you like it if I banged you on the table!” *Class laughs*

28. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

27. How is life like a penis? Your girlfriend makes it hard.

26. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

25. Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.

24. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

23. Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan, really.

22. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

21. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor.

20. Why don’t pedophiles compete in races? They always come in a little behind.

#19 – 10. Dirty Jokes

19. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.

18. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on? Fucking hot!

17. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

16. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.

15. What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

14. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

13. What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.

12. How do you know that you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before she swallows.

11. What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s finger.

10. What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?

#9 – 1. Dirty Jokes

9. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

8. What do you call a guy with a giant dick? Phil!

7. “Give it to me! I’m so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!” She can scream all she wants, I’m not giving her the damn umbrella.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

5. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.

4. How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper!

3. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

2. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.

1. A dick has a sad life. His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his bestfriend’s a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Ideas for the top 101 dirty jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Thought Catalog – 50 Dirty Joke That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny^[2]Quick, Funny Jokes – Dirty Joke^[3]Buzzfeed -17 Dirty Joke That Are So Filthy You’ll Need A Shower^[4]One Line Fun – Dirty one liners^[5]Kickass Humor – Best Dirty Joke This Year