Top 101 French Jokes

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France has a long and storied history. Part of that history is a lot of jokes about them. Check out below for the top 101 French jokes.

#101 – 90. French Jokes

101. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

100. Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in France? A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

99. Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

98. Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a French flag? A: In case they want to surrender!

97. Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes? A: In France.

96. Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage? A: Their armpits.

95. Q: What is the French national anthem? A: We surrender.

94. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” —Dennis Miller

93. There was a cat named 1,2,3 and a cat named un, deux, trois. Both cats were crossing a river. Which cat made it acrass the river? 1,2,3 because un, deux, trois cat-re sinq.

92. Q: What’s the motto of the French Army? A: Stop, drop, and run!

91. Q: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France? A: Germans like to march in the shade.

90. Q: What’s the shortest book ever written?  A: French War Heroes.

#89 – 80. French Jokes

89. Q: Why don’t the French eat M&M candies? A: They’re too hard to peel.

88. Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman? A: Reverse!

87. Q: Did you hear about the winner of the French beauty contest? A: Me neither.

86. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

85. Q: The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear? A: Track shoes.

84. Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman? A: Fill his underpants with water.

83. Why do the French say “to go to the toilets” whereas the Belgian (the French speaking ones) say “to go to the toilet”? Because in France, you need to try 4 or 5 to find a clean one

82. Q: What’s the difference between Frenchmen and toast? A: You can make soldiers out of toast.

81. Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It’s a shame, too – he was by far the best vet in town.

80. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish? A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

#79 – 70. French Jokes

79. Have you heard about the French kamikaze pilot? He’s on his 23rd Mission!

78. Q: How did the French react to German reunification? A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

77. After God created France, he thought it was the most beautiful country in the world. People were going to get jealous, so, to make things fair, he decided to create the French.

76. Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris? A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before

75. Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? A: People were confused about which side to spit on.

74. Q: Why are so many French born by C-section? A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

73. Q: Why do Frenchmen carry crap in their wallets?  A: The law requires they carry at least one form of Identification.

72. Q: What Does “Maginot Line” mean in French? A: “Speed bump ahead”

71. Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else? A: The quiche of death.

70. Q: How do French tanks work? A: They have one forward gear and six reverse ones.

#69 – 60. French Jokes

69. The only thing the French are good at is looking in their car rear mirrors during the war

68. Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? A: So the Germans could march in the shade.

67. “France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —Mark Twain

66. Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand? A: More sand.

65. Q: Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning? A: Becasue he is pm not am!

64. Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army? A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

63. Q: What does a frog in Paris eat? A: French Flies.

62. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

61. Q.Why don’t the French really want the US to attack Iraq? A. They don’t want their record for surrender broken.

60. Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris? A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn’t even finished coloring in the second one!

#59 – 50. French Jokes

59. Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? A: Linoleum blownapart(Napoleon Bonaparte)

58. Why should we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, they didn’t help us liberate France!

57. Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country? A: I don’t know either, its never happened!

56. Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof? A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.

55. Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning? A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well.

54. Did you hear about the brave Frenchman? Oh you didn’t. Well don’t feel bad no one else has either.

53. Q: Did you hear about the French Army rifle sold on ebay? A: The only description under the picture of it was “Nie gefeuert, einmal fallen gelessen” This is German for “never fired, dropped once”

52. Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.

51. What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? -trilingual What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? -bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? -French

50. “We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —Marge Simpson

#49 – 40. French Jokes

49. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

48. Q: What do you call an Frenchman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee.

47. Q: Whats in the middle of Paris? A: R.

46. Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

45. Q: Why do French People eat snails? A: Because they don’t like fast food!

44. French people give me the crepes.

43. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

42. Q: Why do French people always wear yellow? A: To match the color of their blood!

41. Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

40. Q: What’s the new French flag look like? A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

#39 – 30. French Jokes

39. Q: Where do fruits go on vacation? A: Pear-is.

38. Q: do Frenchmen always were yellow ties ? A: to match the teeth

37. Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

36. Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A: A salesman.

35. Q: How do you kill a Frenchman? A: Slam the toilet seat down when he’s getting a drink.

34. Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common? A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

33. Q: Which ghost was president of France? A: Charles de Ghoul.

32. Q: Do you know why the French invented perfume? A: Hey, you try sleeping with a French woman.

31. “I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” —General George S. Patton

30. Q: How does every French joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

#29 – 20. French Jokes

29. Q: What time is the Frenchman’s watch set to? A: 5 minutes to One

28. Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen??? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

27. Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president? A: Jacques ChIraq.

26. Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate? A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself!

25. Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A: The Army.

24. Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

23. Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.

22. Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries? A: Courage!!

21. Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris? A: He was declared to be in Seine.

20. Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training? A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

#19 – 10. French Jokes

19. “The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” —Regis Philbin

18. Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? A: Put a sign up that says “no nudity”

17. Q: What’s the easiest way to get lung cancer? A: Breath the air in Paris!

16. Q: Why does Nike like the French Army? A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

15. Q: What is the Guillotine? A: A French chopping centre.

14. Q: Why do French men have moustaches? A: To remind them of their mothers.

13. Q: What’s the best place to hide your money? A: Under a Frenchman’s soap.

12. Q: Then why are the French chopping down the trees now? A: The Arabs like to march in the sun.

11. Q: Why do the French never perform “the wave” at a soccer game? A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.

10. Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor? A: by the ears…

#9 – 1. French Jokes

9. Q: How do you sink a French battleship? A: Put it in water.

8. “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” —Norman Schwartzkopf

7. Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A: Bisexual.

6. Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you? A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

5. Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap? A: The bucket

4. Q: How do you stop a French tank? A: Shoot the guy that’s pushing it.

3. American to Frenchman: “Do you speak German?”  Frenchman: “No.”  American: “You’re Welcome!

2. How do the French kill themselves? They shoot 15 centimeters above their heads, right in their superiority complex

1. Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back? A: Jacques Chirac

Ideas for the top 101 French jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Jokes 4 Us – France Jokes^[2]Reddit – French Joke^[3]ThoughCo. – France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France^[4]Joe Hutch – French Joke^[5]Lexiophiles – Top Five Jokes on the French^[6]StrategyPage – Military Jokes and Military Humor