Top 132 of the Best Dad Jokes to Tell Your Father

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Dad jokes are some of the worst ones out there. Especially when said by a dad. They are a great companion to mom jokes. However, because the dad jokes are so bad they are actually quite funny! Check out below for the top 132 of the best dad jokes.

Table of Contents

#132 – 120. Best Dad Jokes

132. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

131. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

130. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

129. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

128. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.

127. Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?A: A waist of time.

126. “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”

125. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

124. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

123. I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

122. What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”

121. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

120. I hate jokes about German sausage. They’re the wurst.

#119 – 110. Best Dad Jokes

119. A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

118. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

117. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

116. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

115. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

114. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

113. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

112. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

111. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

110. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

#109 – 100. Best Dad Jokes

109. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

108. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web.

107. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

106. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

105. Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.

104. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

103. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

102. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

101. “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”

100. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

#99 – 90. Best Dad Jokes

99. “We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’”

98. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

97. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

96. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

95. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

94. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

93. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

92. What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

91. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

90. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

#89 – 80. Best Dad Jokes

89. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

88. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!

87. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

86. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

85. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

84. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

83. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

82. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

81. Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!

80. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

#79 – 70. Best Dad Jokes

79. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

78. Q: How do you organize an outer space party? A: You planet.

77. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

76. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

75. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

74. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

73. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

72. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

71. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

70. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

#69 – 60. Best Dad Jokes

69. When you ask a dad if he’s alright: “No, I’m half left.”

68. “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

67. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

66. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

65. KID: “Hey, I was thinking… ” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”

64. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

63. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

62. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

61. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

60. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

#59 – 50. Best Dad Jokes

59. Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

58. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

57. Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

56. People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

55. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts

54. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

53. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

52. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

51. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery

50. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!

#49 – 40. Best Dad Jokes

49. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.

48. Without geometry life is pointless.

47. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

46. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

45. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!

44. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

43. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

42. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

41. What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!

40. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

#39 – 30. Best Dad Jokes

39. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

38. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

37. I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

36. “How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

35. Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.

34. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

33. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

32. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

31. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

30. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

#29 – 20. Best Dad Jokes

29. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

28. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

27. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?  Because he was a little horse!

26. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

25. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

24. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

23. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

22. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

21. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

20. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

#19 – 10. Best Dad Jokes

19. “What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.”

18. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

17. Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”

16. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?

15. What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.

13. “I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

11. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

10. “Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.’”