Top 49 Girlfriend Jokes

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Girlfriends are great. They are way better than boyfriends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. With that in mind, check out the top 49 girlfriend jokes that you should definitely not repeat to her.

#49 – 40. Girlfriend Jokes

49. Q: What is loud and obnoxious? A: Your Girlfriend.

48. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

47. Boyfriend: Wanna see a magic trick? Girlfriend: Sure, babe. Boyfriend: BAM! You’re single.

46. Q: How do you turn your girlfriend into an elephant? A: Marry Her!

45. Q: What do you call your ex-girlfriend with Pms and Esp? A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

44. Q: Why are girlfriends like condoms? A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

43. Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A girlfriend that won’t do what she’s told.

42. Q: What is the difference between a Girlfriend and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

41. Q: Why is a girlfriend like a laxative? A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

40. My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

#39 – 30. Girlfriend Jokes

39. Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

38. Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants? A: A sweet potato.

37. Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

36. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A girlfriend to show him how to work it.

35. What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his ass.

34. Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless.

33. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut their girlfriends up.

32. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic girlfriend and a Jewish girlfriend? A: A Catholic girlfriend has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

31. My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

30. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend with PMS and a Pit Bull? A: Lipstick

#29 – 20. Girlfriend Jokes

29. My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She’s 7

28. I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

27. What can you tella dog, but not your girlfriend…? Come

26. Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection? A: So your girlfriend know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.

25. What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you? Take her wheel chair, she’ll come crawling back.

24. My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

23. Q: What do you call a woman made out of garbage? A: Your ex-girlfriend!

22. Q: What does fucking your girlfriend and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common? A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

21. Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them.

20. Q: What did the artist say to his girlfriend? A: I really love you with all my art!

#19 – 10. Girlfriend Jokes

19. Q: What do you call a girlfriend with an opinion? A: Wrong.

18. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A: A $100 bill.

17. I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

16. Q: What does your girlfriend and a condom got in common? A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.

15. Q: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card? A: The thief was spending less then his girlfriend.

14. So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

13. Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? A: She fits into your wife’s clothes.

12. Q: Why shouldn’t you lie to your girlfriend when she’s on her period and has GPS? A: Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.

11. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it should be opened when your girlfriend brings it to you.

10. How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.

#9 – 1. Girlfriend Jokes

9. What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes his butt.

8. I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

7. Q: What book do women like the most? A: “Their boyfriends paycheck!”

6. My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That’s the best I’ve done so far.

5. My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

4. Do you know how to tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She can wear your wife’s clothes…

3. Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Your girlfriend makes it hard!

2. My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more.

1. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

Ideas for the top 49 girlfriend jokes come from the following sources.^[1]Worst Jokes Ever – Girlfriend Joke^[2]Jokes 4 Us – Girlfriend Joke