Top 70 Golf Jokes

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Golfing is a national past time for men. However, it can also seem like quite a joke. With that in mind, check out the top 70 golf jokes.

#70 – 66. Golf Jokes

70. The Golfer asked his Caddy, “Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy replied, “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

69. It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth

68. Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino

67. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

66. GOLF, n. [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites – the world’s slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation – you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

#65 – 61. Golf Joke

65. A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”

64. “I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”

63. Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.

62. The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon

61. The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

#60 – 56. Golf Jokes

60. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

59. Golfer: Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake. Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

58. “Tom” sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.” A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”

57. Q: Why did Hitler hate golf? A: Because he ended up in the bunker.

56. Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many fat shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#55 – 51. Golf Joke

55. Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.”

54. A hacker spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hacker, he, of course, plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so lousy all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

53. The Golfer asked his Caddy, “Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy replied, “The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!”

52. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. – Billy Graham

51. A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.” The woman replied, “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.” The man said, “That’s no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip.”

#50 – 46. Golf Jokes

50. Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

49. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually.

48. Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. – Jim Bishop

47. Chuck Norris bowled a perfect game… While using a golf ball.

46. Golfer: “I’d move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven; you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#45 – 41. Golf Joke

45. What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation. You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!

44. Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill  Golf one-liners

43. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon

42. During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”

41. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!” Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!” Mike had had enough. He shouted, “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!”

#40 – 36. Golf Jokes

40. If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino

39. Chuck Norris just completed a full round of Golf… In 17 shots.

38. Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer? A: “You have a hole in one.”

37. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction. Caddy: It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.

36. Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”

#35 – 31. Golf Joke

35. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead

34. Two men were talking about golf. One of them said, “I shoot in the 70’s.” The other replied, “That’s great!” The first one said, “Yeah, if it gets any cooler than that, I go to the clubhouse.”

33. Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

32. Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, “Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing’ in the rain!”

31. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!”

#30 – 26. Golf Jokes

30. Golfer: That can’t be my ball, it’s too old. Caddy: It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.

29. A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”

28. Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that’s terrible,” said Bob, “You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren’t you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”

27. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. – Lee Trevino

26. An avid golfer goes to see a fortuneteller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. “I have good news and bad news,” she tells the golfer. “What’s the good news?” asks the golfer “The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth.” “What’s the bad news then?” he asks “You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”

#25 – 21. Golf Joke

25. Golfer: Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.

24. The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. – Ben Hogan

23. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – George Deukmejian

22. I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford

21. Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

#20 – 16. Golf Jokes

20. “Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?” asked the curious golfer.” It’s not a watch, sir. It’s a compass”

19. A fellow caddy and myself recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”

18. Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”

17. Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* “Darn!”, but a bad skydiver goes “Darn!” *WHACK!*

16. Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.

#15 – 11. Golf Joke

15. Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world. Caddy: I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

14. Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course? A: The 19th hole.

13. Chuck Norris once went to practice his golf swing at a driving range… his golf balls are now known as stars!

12. Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf. Caddy: O! So, he too has played with you?

11. A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

#10 – 6. Golf Jokes

10. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. – William Wordsworth

9. Golfer: This is the worst course I’ve ever played on. Caddy: This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

8. A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied. “P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”

7. A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

6. Chuck Norris stopped playing golf after that unfortunate incident with the dinosaurs.

#5 – 1. Golf Joke

5. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells “fore,” takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman – he doesn’t have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

4. Did you ever wonder how the moon got craters? 3 words: Chuck Norris Golf.

3. A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. She takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car the husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt, it was a damn tap in! In fact, it was no longer than my pecker.” The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”

2. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

1.Q. What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A. The PGA tour

Ideas for the top 70 golf jokes come from the following sources.^[1]SuperJokes – Golf Joke^[2]Myrtle Beach Golf – The World’s Greatest Golf Joke^[3]Unijokes – The best golf joke^[4]funny jokes – Clean Golf Joke, Funny Stories and One-liners