Top 77 Divorce Jokes

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Divorce is not the greatest of times. However, sometimes it is best to try and find the comedy in the situation. With that in mind, check out the top 77 divorce jokes.

#77 – 70. Divorce Jokes

77. Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

76. Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

75. Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A. Someone’s going to lose their trailer…

74. Q: What are the two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman? A: Before marriage and after marriage!

73. Q: What’s the difference between a Bris and a Get*? A: With a Get, you’re rid of the whole schmuck.    (*A “Get” is a divorce)

72. Q: Why do most men hate getting married by a Judge? A: Because they should have asked for a jury!

71. Q: Have you heard about the divorce diet? A: After signing on the dotted line and you lose 200 pounds of dead weight.

70. Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? A: Ten grand!

#69 – 60. Divorce Jokes

69. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.

68. Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.

67. Why are wives also called a housekeeper? Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

66. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”  I said, “Dust!”

65. Question: What’s the major cause of divorce? Answer: Once is not enough.

64. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

63. “I married Miss Right.  I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”

62. Women are like Gernades you pull the ring and BOOM house is gone

61. Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.

60. What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!

#59 – 50. Divorce Jokes

59. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

58. “What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire, and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!”

57. A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

56. Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house.

55. Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? A: She comes with all of Ken’s stuff!

54. Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence? Answer: Divorced.

53. What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony? May divorce be with you.

52. Question: Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it’s worth it.

51. Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy? A: The Same!

50. Q: How can you tell if a woman is divorced? A: She’s bungee jumping for joy.

#49 – 40. Divorce Jokes

49. An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

48. Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.

47. Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife? A: Get better aim!

46. Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite? They’re just two week to quit.

45. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

44. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

43. Q: Why is marriage not a word? A: It’s a life sentence!

42. “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

41. Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus> A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!

40. Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

#39 – 30. Divorce Jokes

39. Q: Why is divorce so costly? A: Because its justified, despite all the trouble.

38. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won’t give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

37. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

36. Q: What is Alimony? A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

35. Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father.

34. Why do men die before their wives?  Because they want to.

33. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it’s worth it.

32. “What’s the only thing divorce proves? Whose mother was right in the first place.”

31. “I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months.  I don’t like to interrupt her.”

30. Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.

#29 – 20. Divorce Jokes

29. Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again!

28. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:  Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

27. Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

26. Q: What’s the best airline to fly if you want a divorce? A: Easyget

25. Q: What’s the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.

24. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping in Brent Cross and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

23. Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

22. Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife? A: Let him keep her!

21. “How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nobody knows. They never get to keep the house.”

20. Regardless of what you may hear, there’s still many women these days who are excellent “housekeepers”. Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

#19 – 10. Divorce Jokes

19. Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house.

18. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

17. Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences? A: He thought he was God and she didn’t!

16. Why wont cannibals eat divorced women? Just to Bitter.

15. First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”  Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

14. Question: Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it’s worth it.

13. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.  Then God created woman.  Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

12. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence? A: Divorced

11. Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper? A: After the divorce she keeps the house!

10. The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”

#9 – 1. Divorce Jokes

9. Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women? A: Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.

8. “A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. ‘Right now, no,’ the young woman answers, ‘I’ve hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control.’”

7. Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken’s stuff.

6. Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!

5. Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the sockets go with the house. Divorce jokes

4. Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:None, the sockets go with the house.

3. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

2. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.

1.Question: What’s the major cause of divorce? Answer: Once is not enough.

Ideas for the top 77 divorce jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Jokes 4 Us – Divorce Joke^[2]Super Jokes – Divorce Joke^[3]Divorce and Your Money – The Top 15 Divorce Joke^[4]Jokes – Divorce Joke^[5]A Word In Your Eye – Divorce Joke^[6]Worst Jokes Ever – Divorce Joke