Top 8 Heaven Jokes

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In many religions, heaven is the place you go to after you die if you were good during your life. With that in mind, check out the top 8 funny heaven jokes.

8. Car Crash and Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”^[1]laughfactory – RELIGIOUS JOKES

7. Clocks in Heaven Jokes

Moishe Rosenberg dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives, he is greeted by one of the angels who says, “Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying.”

Moishe and the angel are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and Moishe notices millions of clocks on the fence. Out of curiosity Moishe asks the angel, “What are all these clocks for?”

The angel smiles, “They are clocks for every person in the world,” he says, “And they tick once for each time you lie. There is Abraham Lincoln’s clock! It only ticked twice. There is Moses’ clock! It never ticked once.”

Again, out of curiosity, Moishe asks, “Where is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s clock?”

The angel calmly says, “His clock is in Abraham’s office. He is using it as a fan.”^[2]aish – Clocks in Heaven

6. The Gates of Heaven

After a long illness, Miriam arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for God to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her — “Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you.”

When God came back, Miriam said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” God told her.

“Which word?” Miriam asked.

“Love.”

Miriam correctly spelled “Love” and she was welcomed into Heaven.

A few years later, God asked Miriam to watch the Gates of Heaven for the day. While Miriam was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband Moishe arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” Miriam said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” Moishe said. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Miriam told him.

“Which word?” Moishe asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”^[3]aish – The Gates of Heaven

5. Mohamed in Heaven

A deceased Muslim arrives in Heaven.

He is very excited, because all his life he was waiting to meet Mohamed.

In front of the sky portal, he meet a man with a beard.

Mohamed? — he asks.

No, my son, I’m Peter. Mohamed is higher up.

And designates a ladder leading to the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed is higher up than Pierre, the man climbed the ladder stride.

He meets another man with a beard.

Mohamed? — he asks with hope.

No, I’m Moses. Mohamed is higher up.

Mohamed higher up than Moses! The man can’t believe it.

He climbs and climbs. Again he came across a bearded man and repeats his question:

Mohamed?

No, I’m Jesus. Mohamed is higher up.

Exhausted, but his heart filled with joy, he continues to climb the ladder and sees a bearded man again.

Mohamed? — he asks breathlessly.

Not my son, I am God. But you look exhausted. Do you want a coffee ?

Certainly.

God turned, clapped his hands and said:

Mohamed! Two coffees, please !!!^[4]Christopher Jablonski – Mohamed in Heaven

4. Preacher in Heaven Jokes

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me”, a little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven, The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”^[5]laughfactory – RELIGIOUS JOKES

3. Baseball in Heaven Jokes

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship. The friend says, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

The dying man responds, “We’ve been friends for a lifetime, so yes, I’ll do this for you.” And then he dies.

A few days later, the surviving friend is sleeping, when he hears his friend’s voice.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” it says. “The good news is: there’s baseball in heaven.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”^[6]HuffPost – Joke Baseball in Heaven

2. Bill Gates and Heaven Jokes

Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case; I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”

St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found

Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was the demo,” replied St. Peter.^[7]Smart Jokes – Bill Gates — Heaven & Hell

1. St. Peter and Heaven Jokes

Three men died and went to heaven. The first went up to St. Peter who said, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”

The man answered, “Yes, I never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter said, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

St Peter asked the second man the same question, and he answered, “I once made love to another woman at the office party, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and it was OK.”

St. Peter said, “That new Peuguot over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

The third man answered the same question, “I am very sorry but, I chased every girl I saw, and I was with a lot of different women.”

St. Peter said, “OK, but when you were alive you were a good person, you gave money to the poor and you did many good things, so that old Seat 600 over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three man entered heaven and went separate ways.

A few weeks later, man #2 and man #3 were driving along when they saw man #3’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stopped and went into the bar and found man #1 with empty bottles all around him, he looked very unhappy. They went up to him and man#2 said, “What’s the matter, what could possibly be so bad, you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is wonderful!”

He said, “I saw my wife today!”    

The other two answered, “That’s very good! What’s the problem?”

He answered, “She didn’t have a car, she had a skateboard!”^[8]lingolex – The Heaven Joke