Top 82 Retirement Humor and Jokes

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Many people look forward to retirement as a time of freedom. However, you can also look at it as a time with a lot of humor. With that in mind, check out the top 82 retirement humor jokes.

#82 – 80. Retirement Humor and Jokes

82. You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

81. How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

80. Just remember, it’s better to pay full price than to admit you’re a senior citizen.

#79 – 70. Retirement Humor and Jokes

79. What is so special about the retirement age? “It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job.”

78. Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal.

77. Q: Why did the asshole retire? A: He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes!

76. Q: How do you know your old enough to retire? A: Instead of lying about your age you start bragging about it!

75. Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

74. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

73. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

72. Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

71. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

70. Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

#69 – 60. Retirement Humor and Jokes

69. How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

68. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

67. Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

66. My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

65. Q: What do you call a show in which a 63 year old man preys on a pretty 19 year old girl? A: The Bald and the Beautiful.

64. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

63. You know you’ve hit retirement when you receive regular gift baskets from your chiropractor.

62. Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime? A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

61. Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

60. The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

#59 – 50. Retirement Humor and Jokes

59. Q: Why did the homophobic politician retire? A: He got a mandate!

58. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

57. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

56. The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

55. Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

54. Between the Viagra and the prune juice that doctors have prescribed, it’s hard to know if you’re coming or going during retirement.

53. How can you tell that you’re getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

52. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

51. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

50. Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

#49 – 40. Retirement Humor and Jokes

49. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

48. Another World’s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

47. The key to preventing old age is to take regular naps, especially while take a drive to the grocery store.

46. Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time? A: Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

45. Q: Who are the hardest people to convince to retire? A: Children at bedtime.

44. A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it’s a load of old cobblers.

43. A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

42. Q: Why did the butcher retire? A: He was cut off in his prime!

41. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

40. Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

#39 – 30. Retirement Humor and Jokes

39. You know you’re old when people ring you at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

38. Q: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

37. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? To keep them from rolling out of the bed.

36. Sex during retirement is proof that the inventor of the light switch was the biggest genius humanity has ever known.

35. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

34. In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere.

33. Q: Why did the robber retire? A: He just couldn’t take it anymore!

32. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

31. Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.

30. Q: Why did the prostitute retire? A: She screwed up!

#29 – 20. Retirement Humor and Jokes

29. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

28. Why are there so many old people in Church? They’re cramming for the final.

27. Children are the leading cause of old age.

26. Why did the burglar retire? He just couldn’t take it any more.

25. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

24. Why did the astronaut retire? He got spaced out.

23. Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles “how to read a book”.

22. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

21. If the music’s too loud, make sure that you turn down your hearing aid.

20. With retirement, time is no longer money. It is its own money.

#19 – 10. Retirement Humor and Jokes

19. Grandmas still get screwed, but its from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine.

18. Q: What is the “initial” state of retirement? A: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.

17. The best way to judge the quality of a retiree’s life is to count the number of cats they own.

16. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.

15. Q: Why did the astronaut retire? A: He got spaced out!

14. Q: How do you know your old? A: People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

13. When is a retiree’s bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

12. Why did the prostitute retire? Because she screwed up.

11. Money might not provide happiness, but it does help to keep the children visiting on a regular basis.

10. Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

#9 – 1. Retirement Humor and Jokes

9. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

8. Don’t mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.

7. Q: Why do retirees count pennies? A: They are the only ones who have the time.

6. Why did the butcher retire? He got cut off in his prime.

5. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!

4. Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

3. Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

2. You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.

1.I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they were cramming for their finals.

Ideas for the top 82 retirement humor and jokes were taken from the following sources. ^[1]Jokes 4 Us – Retirement Joke^[2]One Line Fun – Retirement One Liners^[3]Retirement Stories – Retirement Joke^[4]Rethink Retired – Funny Retired Joke^[5]Super Jokes – Retirement Joke^[6]LaffGaff – Retirement Joke