Top 101 One Liner Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

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One liner jokes are some of the best types of jokes. They manage to put a lot of humor in such a short thought. Check out below for the top 101 one liner jokes.

Table of Contents

#101 – 90. One Liner Jokes

101. “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014

100. “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)

99. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? A slow swimmer.

98. “Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)

97. “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” Stephen Brown (2008)

96. “My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)

95. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.

94. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

93. “My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)

92. “I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)

91. I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.

90. “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

#89 – 80. One Liner Jokes

89. “I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)

88. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

87. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

86. “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”Alfie Moore (2013)

85. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

84. “There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)

83. “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)

82. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

81. “I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward (2012)

80. People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.

#79 – 70. One Liner Jokes

79. “I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)

78. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

77. A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

76. Whiteboards are remarkable.

75. Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

74. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

73. “Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!” The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

72. Does your horse smoke? [No.] Well, then I think your stable is burning.

71. A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

70. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

#69 – 60. One Liner Jokes

69. My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

68. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

67. “I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)

66. All pro athletes are  bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

65. “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)

64. Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

63. 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

62. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

61. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)

60. I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.

#59 – 50. One Liner Jokes

59. Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.

58. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

57. When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

56. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)

55. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

54. Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.

53. “Um.” —First horse that got ridden

52. “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)

51. What is Jesus’ favorite food? Cheeses.

50. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

#49 – 40. One Liner Jokes

49. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

48. “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

47. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.

46. “I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)

45. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)

44. If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

43. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

42. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

41. I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

40. “My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)

#39 – 30. One Liner Jokes

39. A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come? He had it on airplane mode.

38. “My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016)

37. “One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

36. The four most beautiful words in our common language:  I told you so.

35. “When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)

34. “My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)

33. Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

32. Velcro – what a rip-off!

31. “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)

30. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

#29 – 20. One Liner Jokes

29. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)

28. I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

27. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

26. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

25. “I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)

24. I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once till now.

23. What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee? A depresso.

22. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

20. I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

#19 – 10. One Liner Jokes

19. Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

18. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

17. “My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)

16. “I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

15. “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)

14. Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

13. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

12. “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)

11. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

10. I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.