Top 101 Religious Jokes

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You don’t need a higher power to make a funny joke. With that in mind, check out below for the top 101 religious jokes.

#101 – 90. Religious Jokes

101. Q: “What do you call a Muslim shrink? A: A terrorpist.”

100. Q: How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? A: They keep falling off the wagon.

99. Q: What’s the difference between Adam and Eve and everyone else? A: Parents.

98. Q: Why don’t Amish women wear sleeveless dresses? A: They refuse to bare arms.

97. Q: Why were gentiles invented? A: Somebody has to pay retail.

96. Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein? A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!

95. Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite? A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

94. Spotted on a church marquee: “Love your enemies; After all, You made them.”

93. Q: What’s the definition of a queer Jew? A: Someone that likes girls more than money.

92. Q: What’s an Amish woman’s favourite sexual fantasy? A: Two Mennonite.

91. Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in an Amish Church? A: A visitor.

90. So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

#89 – 80. Religious Jokes

89. Q: What do you call an evil Muslim? A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.

88. Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? A: Genghis Cohen.

87. Q: What happened when Moses had a headache? A: God gave him some tablets.

86. Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A: A mechanic.

85. Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?

84. Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s ass? A: A mechanic.

83. When I was a kid my dad would say, “Emo, do you believe in the Lord?” I’d say, “Yes!” He’d say, “Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!” So I would … and I’d fall out of the roller coaster

82. Q: Why are they clueless in Saudi Arabia? A: Cause they live under Iraq.

81. Q: Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? A: The man get’s to see a striptease every night.

80. Q: What did the Hindu say to the swiss cheese? A: “I’m holier than you”

#79 – 70. Religious Jokes

79. Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52…F-16…B-1…

78. Q: How did you get out of Iraq? A: Iran Q: What do you call a Muslim on a toilet? A: Islamic Relief.

77. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

76. Q: What do you call a Muslim who loves to shop? A: Abaya.

75. Q: Why don’t the Amish water ski? A: Because the horses would drown.

74. I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

73. Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? A: You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.

72. Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle? A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction

71. If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.

70. Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? A: He enters Nerdvana.

#69 – 60. Religious Jokes

69. Q: How can you tell if you’re in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling. Working for the Lord, don’t pay much, but the benefits are out of this world.

68. Q: Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments. So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

67. Q: What’s the difference between an Amish girl and a water buffalo? A: About 12 pounds of hair.

66. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me … and I got it!

65. Q: Why do Jewish man have to be circumcised? A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it’s 10% off

64. Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and your father? A: Your father never came back.

63. Q: Why did the sponge go to church? A: Because it was holy!

62. Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men? A: Fillet minyan.

61. Q: Why did the Hindu cross the road? A: Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN!

60. Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest? A: Me neither.

#59 – 50. Religious Jokes

59. Q: What do you call a rabbi that can dunk? A: Michael Jewdan.

58. What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision? A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

57. Q: What Kind of bird runs the church? A: A cardinal!

56. Q: What’s the difference between an Amish boy and a rock? A: The rock moves faster.

55. Q: What’s the best way to keep milk fresh? A: Leave it in the cow!

54. Q: Have you heard of the cow who attained liberation? A: It was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

53. Q: Why did the priest giggle? A: Mass hysteria!

52. Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? A: Dora the Exploder!

51. Q: What’s the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska? A: About three degrees.

50. Q: What happened when Moses had a headache? A: God gave him some tablets. If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she do for a Klondike bar?

#49 – 40. Religious Jokes

49. Q: How does every Islamic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

48. A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, “A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, it keeps you from being Mormon …”

47. Q: Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi? A: He was a Shite Muslim.

46. Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible? A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

45. Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim? A: Mohammered.

44. Q: What’s the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden? A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.

43. Q: What is Jesus’ favourite pop song of all time? A: I can feel it in my fingers.

42. Q: How does a Muslim close the door? A: Islams it.

41. Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry? A: A bris kit.

40. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? A. Too many attachments!

#39 – 30. Religious Jokes

39. Q: Why can’t the bankrupt Hindu complain? A: He’s got no beef.

38. Q: Why can’t Anglicans play chess? A: Because they can’t tell a Bishop from a Queen.

37. Q: Why don’t you fart in church? A: Because you have to sit in your pew.

36. Q: Did you hear about the Amish Flu? A: There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

35. Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet? A: “Modem anachnu loch…

34. Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human? A: When it graduates from med school.

33. Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Hindu beauty contest? A: Me neither. I watched the Hindu version of How I Met Your Mother… There’s just one episode about the wedding.

32. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”

31. Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say? A: Allah board.

30. Q: What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden’s death? A: Don’t put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

#29 – 20. Religious Jokes

29. Q: What did Moses said when he came down the mountain and saw people worshipping the golden calf? A: Holy cow!

28. Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three — one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

27. Do you know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

26. Q: What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day? A: Ex Benedict.

25. Seen while passing by a church: “Get in touch with God by knee mail.”

24. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

23. So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

22. Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband? A: He was driving her buggy.

21. Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two Mennonites found a penny.

20. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say? A. Inquire within!

#19 – 10. Religious Jokes

19. Q: What’s the shortest book in the world? A: Amish war heros.

18. Q: Did you hear about all the drama down at the convent? A: Well, it’s nun of your business.

17. Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel? A: It’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth.

16. Q: What’s a priest’s favorite food? A: Holy cheese

15. How does Moses make tea? He brews.

14. Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? A: You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.

13. Q: What do you call holy bread? A: Jesus Crust!

12. Q: Why doesn’t Gaddafi go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

11. Q: Why couldn’t the Virgin Mary sleep? A: Because Jesus cries (christ).

10. Q: What’s the difference between a Muslim and a vampire? A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

#9 – 1. Religious Jokes

9. Q: What do you call an Orthodox Jew in a hat? A: Fedorable.

8. So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”

7. Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar. A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

6. Q: What do you call a detective from the reformation? A: Martin Sleuther

5. Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin’ Catholic!

4. Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite? A: Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

3. Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile. Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

2. Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion? A: “I Cant Believe Its Not Buddha”

1. Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang? A: Amish driveby shooting.

Ideas for the top 101 religious jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Reader’s Digest – Religious Joke^[2]the Guardian – The best God joke ever – and it’s mine!^[3]Jokes 4 Us – Amish Jokes^[4]Jokes 4 Us – Buddhist Jokes^[5]Jokes 4 Us – Catholic Jokes^[6]Jokes 4 Us – Hinduism Jokes^[7]Jokes 4 Us – Islamic Jokes^[8]Jokes 4 Us – Judaism Jokes