Top 53 Funny Atheist Jokes

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You don’t need a higher power to make a funny joke. With that in mind, check out below for the top 53 funny atheist jokes.

#53 – 50. Atheist Jokes

53. Atheism: The belief that we have a long way to go before we even begin to understand the infinite complexities of the universe. Religion: “The big magic sky-man made it all, now give me some money.”

52. Q: What do you call an intelligent American? A: Atheist.

51. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? A: He stayed awake all night wondering if dog existed.

50. Religious people might be on to something after all, rejecting the theory of evolution. If evolution worked properly, there wouldn’t be any religious people.

#49 – 40. Atheist Jokes

49. Prayers are like insurance companies. They give people hope all the time but they don’t help when an actual disaster strikes.

48. I’m such a hardcore atheist, I don’t believe other people believe in God.

47. Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done? A: In big bangs!

46. God’s power has changed over centuries. He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth – now he can only manage to appear on toast.

45. An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

44. Q: What is so ironic about Atheists? A: They’re always talking about God.

43. Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders? A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture.

42. You never see a church with free WiFi.

41. Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

40. If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

#39 – 30. Atheist Jokes

39. Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done? A: In big bangs!

38. Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

37. Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

36. Q: Why are atheist funerals so sad? A: Because the person is all dressed up with no place to go.

35. Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

34. Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

33. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

32. Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

31. What’s the biggest problem for an atheist? They’ve got no-one to talk to during orgasm.

30. Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders? A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture.

#29 – 20. Atheist Jokes

29. How does an Atheist girl have her hair done? In big bangs.

28. Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They’re already enlightened.

27. Why are atheists always talking about God?

26. Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, “Can you believe the way this guy tastes?”

25. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

24. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

23. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

22. I hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

21. Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

20. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? They stay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

#19 – 10. Atheist Jokes

19. Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road? A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

18. Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist? A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

17. So your an Athiest. Great! I guess I don’t have to waste my time telling you to go to hell.

16. Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.

15. Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

14. God said, “Thou shall not kill.” And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn’t take it seriously.

13. Q: What is an atheist’s favorite Christmas movie? A: “Coincidence on 34th Street”

12. Q: How do you make an atheist appreciate life? A: Break his legs. Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, “Can you believe the way this guy tastes?”

11. Q: What do you call an intelligent American? A: Atheist Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

10. I guess they don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works. Why did the Atheist cross the road?

#9 – 1. Atheist Jokes

9. Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road? A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

8. A theologian and a metaphysician were arguing ontology one day. The theologian chuckled and said, “Metaphysics is a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat.”

7. Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

6. I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

5. He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

4. Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window? A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

3. Question: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s witness? Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

2. Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

1. Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None! They’ve invented torches!

Ideas for the top 53 atheist jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]LaffGaff – Funny Atheist Jokes And Humor^[2]Jokes 4 Us – Atheist Jokes^[3]Unijokes – The best atheist jokes^[4]Quick, Funny Jokes! – Atheist Jokes