Top 49 Ugly Jokes

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Being ugly is no fun. However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t laugh at yourself. With that in mind, check out the top 49 ugly jokes.

#49 – 40. Ugly Jokes

49. I was arguing with the wife over the bank statement. “Just look at this” she said, “You spent £20 on Beer” “Well you spent £40 on make up” I replied. “That’s so I can look young and beautiful for you” she said. I shouted back, “That’s what the fucking Beer was for”

48. Yo mama’s so ugly…She threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

47. Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia? Because the Vikings left all the ugly f****** in Scotland.

46. Yo mama’s so ugly…She looked out the window and was arrested for mooning.

45. When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.

44. My mate was getting ready for a date with some ugly girl he met. He asked “What do you think i should wear?” “A Blindfold” i said.

43. We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready. “Thanks, ” he said, as I put it over my wife’s head.

42. Yo momma so ugly that when she turned to the mirror her reflection turned away

41. Nothing says, “I’m a fat ugly bastard with no personality.” quite like having a Thai wife.

40. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Tough question. Which came first, that ugly bloke’s nice car or his fit girlfriend? Not so tough.

#39 – 30. Ugly Jokes

39. The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have another look at that frickin’ dog”

38. For years my wife battled terrible bullying because of her huge ears, and last night she finally could take no more and tried to kill herself. Luckily, her head wouldn’t fit in the oven. Yo Mama so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.

37. Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, “Fat chance with a face like that!”

36. Yo mama’s so ugly…She made a blind kid cry.

35. Yo mama so ugly when she takes baths water hops out.

34. Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You have to work.

33. A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’

32. There can be nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in Paradise and look like your passport photo.

31. I went on a date this evening. I said, “So, are you a vampire?”“No,” she said, with a puzzled look on her face. I said, “So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?”

30. To all those who complain that the burger in advertising looks much better than in reality… Look at your profile picture and then look in the mirror.

#29 – 20. Ugly Jokes

29. I had a central heating engineer round the other day and while he was working away he said, “I see you’re a darts man, like myself.” I asked how he worked that out and he replied, “That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.” I replied, “That’s my wife mate.”

28. I said to my wife: “You’re like soap.” “Aww. Is that because I smell nice?” “No. You should avoid contact with the eyes.”

27. They say one is the loneliest number, they are wrong My phone number is the loneliest number

26. I was such an ugly baby that when my parents put me up for adoption, the RSPCA turned up to collect me.

25. You know you’re an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

24. My son asked me if he could borrow my torch because he was going out on a date. I said to him “I never used to take a torch on my dates when I was your age”. He said, “I know look what you ended up with”.

23. Yo mama is so ugly the mirror did not make an reflection.

22. So the government are finally going to crack down on nuisance callers… Good, it will be nice being able to walk down the street without people shouting out at me… “You bald fat specky ugly cunt!”

21. Looks aren’t everything, but you can’t wank over personality.

20. Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

#19 – 10. Ugly Jokes

19. A fat, ugly, cross-eyed, girl came dancing up next to me at a party. “So, where are you from, handsome?” she smiled. I said, “Earth, what about you?”

18. Yo’ Mama is so ugly, when she walked past the toilet, it flushed itself.

17. Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!

16. I’m not saying my wife is ugly, but I always sit on my hand first before fingering her, just so it feels like someone else is doing it.

15. I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, “Hey! Don’t you know how to use your fcuking mirrors?” “Yes, of course I do!” she snapped I replied, “Well, try using one to put some make-up on before you go out in public, you ugly cunt!”

14. I went upto a girl in the pub the other day and asked her if she had a light. “Yes, I have a light,” she replied. “Good,” I said. “Turn it on next time you’re getting dressed, ‘cos you look fucking awful.”

13. Yo Mama so ugly, that when she entered a haunted house, she came out with an application.

12. Yo mama’s so ugly…When she was little, she had to trick-or-treat by phone.

11. Yo’ mama is so bald, when she wears a turtleneck it looks like a busted rubber.

10. Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever seen. She danced up to me and said “Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?” I said “My glasses.”

#9 – 1. Ugly Jokes

9. Yo mama’s so ugly…Her portraits hang themselves.

8. Yo mamas so ugly when Bob the builder saw her he said “Oh cannot fix that.”

7. My wife sent a picture of herself to the Lonely Hearts Club. It came back 3 days later with a note attached to it saying: ‘Thanks, but we’re not that lonely.

6. Yo mama so ugly when she smiles her face hurts.

5. A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Can I have some viagra please.” The assistant says, “Sorry, but we need some medical proof that you need it.” The guy replies, “Will a photo of the wife do?”.

4. I took a bird back to my house the other night. “Why are all of these photos turned the other way?” she asked, confused. “They’re pictures of my wife,” I replied. “They’re just too painful to look at.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” she stammered, “I didn’t know. How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?” “Both of her parents were ugly,” I replied.

3. Yo mama’s so ugly…Her birth certificate is an apology letter.

2. My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot. I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

1.I met a girl last night who was so ugly, even a sniper wouldn’t take her out.

Ideas for the top 49 ugly jokes come from the following sources.^[1]SuperJokes – Ugly Joke^[2]Best Life – 50 Best Yo Mama Jokes of All Time