Top 66 Doctor and Medical Jokes
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Going to the doctor isn’t always the most fun experience. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. With that in mind, check out the top 66 doctor and medical jokes.
Table of Contents
#66 – 60. Doctor and Medical Jokes
66. Doctor, doctor, I feel like a hundred-dollar bill! Go to the store-change would do you good!
65. Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor? A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
64. Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I’m a liar! I just can’t believe that!
63. Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed my pen! Well then, start using a pencil!
62. Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: He was feeling really crumbie!
61. Q: Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a moth. A: Get out of my light!
60. Guy: “You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family.” Doctor: “No, the problem is no one runs in your family.”
#59 – 50. Doctor and Medical Jokes
59. Doctor, doctor, I feel like I’m turning into a bear! How long have you felt this way? Ever since I was a cub!
58. Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
57. When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor exclaimed, “It’s a man!”
56. A voice inside said to me: ”Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!” And another voice answered: ”but you are a veterinarian!”
55. Patient: “Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.” Doctor: “You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order.”
54. When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
53. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
52. Doctor to Patient: “Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live.”
51. My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
50. Q: Where does a boat go when it’s sick? A: To the dock!
#49 – 40. Doctor and Medical Jokes
49. I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
48. I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
47. “Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?” “First of all, don’t give him anything to drink.”
46. Q: Why did the doctor lose his temper? A: Because he didn’t have any patients!
45. You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: “You are a parasite!”
44. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
43. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to swim after this operation? Yes! Great, I never could before!
42. Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound. A: Then answer the phone!
41. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
40. Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
#39 – 30. Doctor and Medical Jokes
39. Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”. Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.
38. Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!” Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”
37. Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory! When did you lose it? When did I lose what?
36. Q: When does a doctor get mad? A: When he runs out of patients!
35. Seen on a car parked outside a gynecologist’s office: “PUUUSH.”
34. Patient: “Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?” Doctor: “That is what I want to find out myself.”
33. I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
32. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
31. Q: What did on tonsil say to the other tonsil? A: Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out!
30. Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing funny spots before my eyes! Have you seen a doctor before? No, just funny spots!
#29 – 20. Doctor and Medical Jokes
29. Doctor, doctor, I broke my leg in four places! Well, don’t go back to any of them!
28. Doctor: I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s. Patient: Well, at least I don’t have cancer.
27. Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
26. Doctor, doctor, I’ve had a stomachache since I ate that cheese. Did it smell funny when you unwrapped it? I was supposed to unwrap it?
25. Doctor, doctor, I have this feeling that I’m invisible! Did I hear a voice?
24. Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
23. When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the but.
22. “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
21. A woman says to the dentist “I don’t know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby.” The dentist says “Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!”
20. Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve turned into a dog! Please sit down on this chair and tell me about it. I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture!
#19 – 10. Doctor and Medical Jokes
19. Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses! I think so too-this is a candy store!
18. A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
17. What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
16. I just met the coolest gynecologist. He’s an O.B.G.B.Y.O.B.
15. Q: Did you hear the one about the germ? A: Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around
14. Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
13. A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been ill.”
12. Doctor, doctor, whenever I drink juice I get a pain in my eye! Try taking the straw out of the glass!
11. Doctor, doctor, what did the X-ray of my head show? Nothing!
10. Dr.’s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it’s tweetable.
#9 – 1. Doctor and Medical Jokes
9. Q: What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
8. Doctor: “Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?” Patient: “What pills?”
7. Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I’m invisible. A: Doctor: Who said that?
6. Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound! Try answering the phone!
5. He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said “What is wrong with it?” “It’s swollen.”
4. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
3. Doctor: “Liquor is a slow poison for you.” Patient: “It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry.”
2. Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
1. Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
Ideas for the top 66 doctor and medical jokes were taken from the following sources.[1]Ducksters – Doctor Joke[2]Reader’s Digest – Doctor Joke[3]Board Vitals – 16 Doctor Jokes to Make You Chuckle on Doctors’ Day[4]Unijokes – The best doctor joke[5]Info Please – Doctor Joke[6]One Line Fun – Doctor one liners
References
