Top 69 Coffee Jokes

Coffee is the elixir of life for many people. You can’t start your day without it. Next time you are brewing a pot of coffee, check out the top 69 coffee jokes below.

#69 – 60. Coffee Jokes

69. A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

68. People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning. No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

67. Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before? A: Déjà brew

66. Starbucks or Victoria Secrets?…..Who charges more per cup?

65. Q: What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work? A: Break fluid

64. Q: Why do they call coffee mud? A: Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

63. Q: What do you call sad coffee? A: Despresso.

62. New word: Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.

61. Q: What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee? A: Java the Hut!

60. Q: How does Moses make his coffee? A: He brews.

#59 – 50. Coffee Jokes

59. Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

58. What did the doctor say when a baby was born holding a Starbucks latte? “Its a white girl.”

57. Q: What do you call a baby calf that’s lost his head? A: De-calf

56. Q: How are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

55. Q: Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso? A: It’s a cheap shot.

54. Yo mama so stupid she thought Dunkin Donuts was a basketball team.

53. Q: What’s the opposite of coffee? A: Sneezy.

52. Q: What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? A: De-calf-inated!

51. Q: What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore? A: Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!

50. Soup of the day: Coffee.

#49 – 40. Coffee Jokes

49. Q: Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee? A: Because according to the Torah He Brews!

48. If you say “Pumpkin Spice Latte” into a mirror three times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall.

47. Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee? A: Because they have Italian titles for everything!

46. Q: Why do white women prefer black coffee? A: Because they can take black coffee home to their parents!

45. Q: Why is a bad cup of coffee the end of a marriage? A: Because it’s GROUNDS for divorce!

44. Q: How does a tech guy drink coffee? A: He installs Java!

43. What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.

42. Q: What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee? A: “What’s Sumatra with you?”

41. THE LAW OF COFFEE – If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

40. Q: What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common? A: They are all better rich!

#39 – 30. Coffee Jokes

39. Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee? A: Mugging!

38. Q: How do you make Pig Jerky? A: Give them some coffee.

37. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for coffee.

36. Q: Why are men are like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

35. Q: Why Coffee is better than a Woman? A: Coffee goes down easier!

34. The worst part of waking up (from a nap), is Folgers in your lap!

33. Barista: How do you take your coffee? Me: Very, very seriously.

32. ‘Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee, it makes them boiling mad?

31. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

30. What did the horny woman say about her coffee? That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.

#29 – 20. Coffee Jokes

29. What’s black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.

28. A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe. The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

27. Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic A: Sanka

26. If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

25. Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.

24. Q: What do you call Java that won’t stop brewing? A: Stand your ground coffee.

23. Q: What’s the best Beatles song? A: Latte Be!

22. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee? You channel surf faster without the remote.

21. What did the coffee lover name his son? Joe, obviously.

20. A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

#19 – 10. Coffee Jokes

19. Q: Where do birds go for coffee? A: To the NESTcafe

18. Q: Why are Italians so good at making coffee? A: Because they know how to espresso themselves.

17. Q: Why do I not like hot drinks? A: It’s just not my cup of tea.

16. Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup? He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

15. Q: Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu? A: Because they want that Frappacino to pad your ass without clogging your arteries!

14. A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The blonde says, “You have a drink named Tiffani?”

13. A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

12. Hold the sugar please, you’re sweet enough for the both of us.

11. Knock, knock! Who’s there? A guy that just had 4 shots of espresso! A guy th— Now you say, “a guy that just had 4 shots of espresso who?”

10. Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch? A: Because he was pressed for time.

#9 – 1. Coffee Jokes

9. Q: Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee? A: Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . . “He-brews”

8. Q: Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company? A: It can make for a strong and heated debate.

7. Q: How did the hipster burn his tongue? A: He drank his coffee before it was cool.

6. How does a coffee lover hit on a woman? I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

5. How does the serial killer like his coffee? How he likes his women—all ground up.

4. There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.

3. Q: What did the barista’s Valentine say? A: I can’t espresso my love for you.

2. “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.” “Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

1. Q: How are coffee beans like kids? A: They’re always getting grounded!

Ideas for the top 69 coffee jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Reader’s Digest – Coffee Joke^[2]Jokes 4 Us – Coffee Joke^[3]Thought Catalog – 29 Puns About Coffee That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud