Top 101 Jokes

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There are so many different categories of jokes. However, there are some jokes that rise above their particular genre of humor. These are the best of the best jokes. With that in mind, check out the top 101 jokes.

#101 – 90. Best Jokes

101. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

100. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

99. I went to the doctor the other day and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.

98. I decided to use my knife to conserve ammo. Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball.

97. What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a priest? Alien vs. Predator

96. What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

95. Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

94. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

93. I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

92. One day I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. That is the day I realized my whole life is a joke.

91. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

90. I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

#89 – 80. Best Jokes

89. One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.

88. There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math, and those of us who aren’t.

87. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal”. The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him “Juan”. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: “They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

86. Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair? Wife: Michael, I’m over here!

85. It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad. It’s a faux pa.

84. What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.

83. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

82. Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

81. What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung. The guardians of the galaxy.

80. I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

#79 – 70. Best Jokes

79. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “Graaaaaaaains!”

78. My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.

77. What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he’s still not coming.

76. A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

75. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!

74. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

73. My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

72. Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

71. What’s red and shaped like a bucket? A blue bucket painted red.

70. Yesterday I tried to force feed my child. After a while my wife got frustrated and said “Use a damn spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

#69 – 60. Best Jokes

69. What do you call HIJKLMNO? H20!

68. My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday because he buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.

67. Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”

66. My wife and I were partners in a shoe business before we decided to split up. Now I am the sole proprietor.

65. I like to spend every day as if it’s my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

64. How can you make seven an even number? Just take away the “s!”

63. What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? “Oh sheet!”

62. Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.

61. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

60. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Robin, get in the car.”

#59 – 50. Best Jokes

59. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!

58. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”

57. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fssshh.

56. My mother-in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

55. Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

54. I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

53. I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

52. Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

51. Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

50. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

#49 – 40. Best Jokes

49. I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild.

48. What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer’s? Oh nana, What’s my name?

47. An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

46. What did one dish say to the other? Dinner is on me!

45. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

44. An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: “Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.  The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”

43. What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

42. Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

41. My grandfather has the heart of a lion…and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

40. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

#39 – 30. Best Jokes

39. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

38. What don’t ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.

37. What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.

36. What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

35. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.

34. Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? ‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

33. Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.

32. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

31. “Can you please hold my hand?”A mother asks her son: “Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?” Son: “My name is Paul.”

30. Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?” Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

#29 – 20. Best Jokes

29. Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

28. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

27. Doctor: You’re obese. Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

26. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent plus Nickelback.

25. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records. Now I want to break three.

24. Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!

23. Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

22. What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!

21. What do you call a fat psychic? A 4 chin teller.

20. When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $685. I guess that’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

#19 – 10. Best Jokes

19. Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? The other shakes his head: “No way, look at what happened to the zebra.”

18. Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

17. What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.

16. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please… and one for the road.”

15. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

14. What is Forrest Gump’s computer password? 1forrest1

13. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it – it was a shihtzu.

12. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

11. One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?” Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

#9 – 1. Best Jokes

9. A classic Tommy Cooper gag: “I said to the gym teacher: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”

8. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them as a husband”. 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

7. I rang up BT and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” The operator said: “Not you again.”

6. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”

5. When is your door not actually a door? When it’s actually ajar.

4. “Mom, where do tampons go?” “Where the babies come from, darling.” “In the stork?”

3. I spent hours trying to figure out what the opposite of “night” was. But it never dawned on me, I just had to call it a day.

2. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

1.Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?” Mr. Jeffries: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”

Ideas for the top 101 jokes come from the following sources. ^[1]short funny – Top 100 Funny Joke – Our Best^[2]Mirror – The top 20 joke ever^[3]joke lol^[4]Best Life – 120 Joke That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny