Top 79 Diet Jokes

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Dieting is not always the funniest things. However, joking about it doesn’t have to be so. Check out below for the top 79 diet jokes that will help you when you are struggling with your diet.

#79 – 70. Diet Jokes

79. Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

78. Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: ‘a binge of jokes’?

77. Diet update: I have started masturbating to The Great British Baking Show.

76. Have you seen the Spy thriller about fat people? It’s called “Tomorrow Never Diets”

75. Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

74. Your fat and you need to go on a diet. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that too.

73. My diet is going great! Are Funyuns considered a vegetable?

72. Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

71. Doctor, I think I’m Bipolar! (Why’s That?) Because I hate to get fat but I love to eat.

70. D.I.E.T. = Don’t Indulge Every Time

#69 – 60. Diet Jokes

69. How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

68. I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.

67. I’m not vegetarian because I love animals. I’m vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

66. It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.

65. Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian? A: “Bad hunter!”

64. When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds.

63. Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

62. D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?

61. Welcome to the Weight-Loss Forum. To lose one pound, double-click the mouse five million times.

60. They accidentally put lettuce on my Five Guys burger, so I guess my diet just started.

#59 – 50. Diet Jokes

59. What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A. A beer in each hand.

58. D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?

57. I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.

56. What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale? A balanced meal.

55. Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

54. [sipping cake batter from a mug] I’m experimenting with a raw food diet.

53. The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying “I ate nachos” I say “I accidentally ate nachos.”

52. Did you hear about the seafood diet? You see food and you eat it.

51. “Your order please.” “3 hamburgers, 9 chicken nuggets and the XXL fries.” “And a diet coke.”

50. Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.

#49 – 40. Diet Jokes

49. Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!

48. The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people eat.

47. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A. A desserter.

46. STOP telling me about your diet. Just shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

45. I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.

44. How do you know your low fat diet is working? The fat hangs lower every day.

43. I’m on  a diet where I only eat stuff I make with my smoothie maker. Today I’ve had one banana, mango smoothie and 4 chocolate milk shakes.

42. A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you’re off it.

41. Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn’t want to gain weight in the wrong places?

40. Don’t forget. You are what you eat….I need to eat a skinny person.

#39 – 30. Diet Jokes

39. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.

38. Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading”.

37. If your dog is too fat, then your not getting enough exercise. Dieting is not a piece of cake.

36. I’m on day 2 of a “diet” which means I’m always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.

35. It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go.

34. What does a bulimic have for dessert? Two fingers.

33. Never go back for seconds… get it all the first time.

32. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light she starts to eat.

31. Have you seen the movie about the Atkins diet? Dude, Where’s My Carbs?

30. My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

#29 – 20. Diet Jokes

29. Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

28. My diet is taking all afternoon to work.

27. It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

26. Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.

25. Did you hear about the Dr. DoLittle Diet? You talk to food instead of eating it.

24. I wish mosquitoes sucked fat, not blood.

23. Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds? Fat people are harder to kidnap.

22. Just added fruit to my diet. (smoking weed out of an apple)

21. The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

20. Q: Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet? A: You can get thinner there.

#19 – 10. Diet Jokes

19. A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

18. Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone.

17. My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now…

16. What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.

15. If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting.

14. Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

13. I’ve got no problems with fresh vegetables, steamed rice, steamed broccoli, whole grain, and low-fat yogurts. Just keep them away while I’m eating.

12. I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 9 cookies.

11. Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

10. My wife left a note on the fridge door saying: “This isn’t working, I’m leaving.” I opened the door and the darn thing was working just fine!

#9 – 1. Diet Jokes

9. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

8. Q: Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? A: He’ll dessert you.

7. I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he’s trying to “Diet Hard”.

6. Started a diet today where all I do is eat the souls of the people who have dieted before me.

5. “Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

4. I often think about cheating on my diet but then I realize there aren’t any better diets to have sex with.

3. Why do people on a diet eat TV dinners? So they could watch what they eat!

2. I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

1. You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.