Top 77 Catholic Jokes

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Catholicism is one of the biggest religions in the world. With that in mind, check out the top 77 Catholic jokes.

#77 – 70. Catholic Jokes

77. Q: Why don’t you fart in church? A: Because you have to sit in your pew.

76. Q: What do you get when you mix castor oil with holy water? A: A religious movement.

75. Q: How can you tell if you’re in a gay church? A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

74. Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible? A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

73. Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas? A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

72. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A “roamin’” Catholic.

71. Q: What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day? A: Ex Benedict.

70. What do you call a priest in charge of the school play? The spiritual director.

#69 – 60. Catholic Jokes

69. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

68. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

67. I was going to tell you about all the drama at the convent, but then remembered it’s nun of your business.

66. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

65. Q: Why do nuns go everywhere in pairs? A: To make sure the other nun gets none.

64. Q: What did Moses said when he came down the mountain and saw people worshipping the golden calf? A: Holy cow!

63. Q: What did the nun say to the swiss cheese? A: “I’m holier than you”

62. Why don’t you fart in church? Because you have to sit in your epic pew.

61. Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin’ Catholic!

60. Q: Does light have mass? A: Of course not. It’s not even Catholic!

#59 – 50. Catholic Jokes

59. Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree? A: The balls are just for decoration.

58. Q: What Disney movie does the church make little girls watch? A: Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.

57. Q: What Kind of bird runs the church? A: A cardinal!

56. A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

55. Q: What is Jesus’ favourite pop song of all time? A: I can feel it in my fingers.

54. Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda? A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

53. Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hits the back of his head. Jesus turns and exclaims, “Mom!”

52. Working for the Lord, don’t pay much, but the benefits are out of this world.

51. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: Nun.

50. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A: A tran-sister.

#49 – 40. Catholic Jokes

49. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

48. Q: Where is the best place to get a ice cream cone? A: IN A SUNDAY SCHOOL.

47. Q: What is the difference between a nun in a church and a nun in a bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul, one has soap in her hole.

46. Q: Why can’t you find the letter X in Church? A: Because it was X-communicated.

45. Q: What did Jesus say when somebody took a dump in his yard? A: Holy Shit!

44. Q: Did you hear about all the drama down at the convent? A: Well, it’s nun of your business.

43. Q: Did you know that Matt Damon is religious? A: He’s a BOURNE Again Christian!

42. Q: What is a Catholics favorite Oliver Stone movie? A: Born Again on the 4th of July.

41. Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

40. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”

#39 – 30. Catholic Jokes

39. Q: What do you call it when Batman leaves church early? A: Christian Bale

38. What do you call a place rich in gold and poor in spirituality? “The Catholic church!”

37. Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

36. Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use candles.

35. Q: How do Bishops and Cardinals get to the Vatican? A: On a pope-cycle.

34. Q: What happened when Moses had a headache? A: God gave him some tablets.

33. What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important? A Critical Mass.

32. Q: What does a nun and a gremlin have in common? A: They’re both not allowed to get wet!

31. Q: How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They always use candles.

30. Q: What do you call a detective from the reformation? A: Martin Sleuther

#29 – 20. Catholic Jokes

29. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

28. Q: Why don’t nuns wear bras? A: God supports everything.

27. Q: Why couldn’t the Virgin Mary sleep? A: Because Jesus cries (christ).

26. Why did the priest giggle during his homily? He had Mass hysteria!

25. Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

24. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

23. Q: What’s the difference between Adam and Eve and everyone else? A: Parents.

22. Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal? A: I Noah guy.

21. Q: Why did the sponge go to church? A: Because it was holy!

20. What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!

#19 – 10. Catholic Jokes

19. If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she do for a Klondike bar?

18. Q: Why did the priest giggle? A: Mass hysteria!

17. Yo momma’s so old her first job was as Cain and Abel’ babysitter.

16. Q: What do you call holy bread? A: Jesus Crust!

15. Q: What kind of crackers do televangelists like to eat? A: Billy Grahams.

14. Q: What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important? A: Critical Mass.

13. Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and your father? A: Your father never came back.

12. Q: What’s a priest’s favorite food? A: Holy cheese

11. Q: What do fat preachers do? A: They belly!

10. Q: What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

#9 – 1. Catholic Jokes

9. Q: Why don’t skeletons play music at church? A: Cos’ they don’t have any organs.

8. Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile.

7. Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

6. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

5. Q: How do you get rid of a nun’s hiccups? A: Tell her she’s pregnant!

4. Q: Why can’t Anglicans play chess? A: Because they can’t tell a Bishop from a Queen.

3. Man: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Man: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Man: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.

2. Q: Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass? A: Because he was a German shepherd.

1.Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy? A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

Ideas for the top 77 Catholic jokes were taken from the following sources. ^[1]epicPew – Hilarious Catholic Joke That Everyone Should Memorize^[2]Unijokes – The best catholic joke^[3]Jokes 4 Us – Catholic Joke