The Top 82 Soccer and Football Jokes

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Football is the most popular sport in the world. People all over the world love to play it and love to watch the World Cup. However, it does open itself up for jokes. With that in mind, check out the top 82 football jokes.

Table of Contents

#82 – 80. Football Jokes

82. What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common? Both do hat-tricks!

81. Q: Why did the chicken get ejected from the soccer game? A: For persistent fowl play.

80. Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game? A: They stand near the fans!

#79 – 70. Football Jokes

79. Why doesn’t Pakistan have an international football team? A. Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

78. Q: What lights up a football pitch at night? A: a football match.

77. Q: Why don’t Indians play futbol? A: Because every time they get a corner they open up a shop.

76. Q: Why didn’t the lousy soccer team have a website? A: They couldn’t string three W’s together.

75. Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.

74. Q: What’s the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock? A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

73. Q: Which soccer player keeps the field neat? A: The sweeper.

72. Q: What are successful forwards always trying to do? A: Reach goals.

71. Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line against Saudi Arabia? A: They score.

70. What is a ghost’s favorite football position? Ghoulkeeper!

#69 – 60. Football Jokes

69. Q: What do you call a Nigerian futbol fan with an IQ of 10? A: Supremely gifted!

68. Q: What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? A: A soccer coach

67. Q: Why do soccer players have so much trouble eating Indian food? A: They think they can’t use they’re hands.

66. How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts.

65. Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle? A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.

64. Q: What did Ronaldo sing to Messi. A: When your playing a bunch of sports and your sweating through your shorts drink gatorade.

63. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running away from the ball!

62. Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the World Cup final? A: The Argentina national team.

61. What do Chelsea and US Navy have in common? They both spent 50mil on a sub.

60. Q: What do you get if you see a Germany fan buried up to his neck in sand? A: More sand

#59 – 50. Football Jokes

59. Q: Why are scrambled eggs like a losing soccer team? A: Because they’ve both been beaten.

58. What is a goalkeeper’s favourite snack? Beans on post!

57. Q: Why did the soccer say owwwwww? A: Because the man kicked him

56. How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.

55. God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”

54. What is the difference between an Liverpool supporter and a baby? The baby will stop whining after awhile.

53. Why are footballers like babies? They both dribble!

52. Q: How can you tell ET is an Algerian fan? A: Because he looks like one.

51. Why was the the best footballer in the world asked to tidy up their room? Because they were Messi!

50. Q: Why did the footballer kick the grass? A: Because it was being a pitch.

#49 – 40. Football Jokes

49. Q: How many French Nationals does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you like, but they’ll never see the light.

48. Q: Which soccer player has the biggest cleats? A: The one with the biggest feet.

47. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and England striker Raheem Sterling? A: Clinton can score.

46. What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

45. What runs around a soccer field but never moves? A: A fence

44. Q: How do you make a Mexico futbol fan run? A: Build a job center.

43. Q: Why can’t you play soccer in the jungle? A: Because there are too many cheetahs.

42. Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!

41. What ship has never arrived in the ports of Liverpool? The Premiership.

40. Q: Why didn’t the dog want to play soccer? A: He was a boxer.

#39 – 30. Football Jokes

39. Q: What position do ghosts play in soccer? A: Ghoulie

38. Q: Why did the defensive soccer player cross the road? A: To get to the other slide.

37. Why is a football crowd learning to sing like a person opening a tin of sardines? They both have trouble with the key!

36. Why don’t grasshoppers watch football? They prefer cricket!

35. Girl: I’ll be right back. Boy: I’ll be centre foward.

34. Q: What’s the difference between an French futbol fan and a supermarket trolley? A: The trolley has a mind of it’s own.

33. Which goalkeeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them, crossbars can’t jump.

32. Q: What is the difference between Portugal and the bermuda triangle? A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

31. Q: What does a Cristiano Ronaldo and a magician have in common? A: Both do hat tricks.

30. Q: Why couldn’t the all-star soccer player listen to music? A: Because he broke all the records.

#29 – 20. Football Jokes

29. Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game? He was hoping for a draw!

28. Q: What does a soccer player say on Halloween? A: Hat Trick or Treat!

27. Girl: What jersey should I buy? Guy: Buy a goalie’s jersey! Girl: Why? Guy: So I can tell people my girlfriend’s a keeper.

26. Q: What football club do sheep’s like? A: Baaaaaaaaa-rcelona.

25. Q: Why does the soccer ball curse so much? A: Because he gets a kick out of it.

24. A blonde woman had a three-way with Pepe and Messi. 9 months later she had a baby boy but didn’t know who the father was so she named him Pepsi.

23. Where do soccer players dance? At a soccer ball.

22. Q: What do soccer referees send during the holidays? A: Yellow cards.

21. Q: What is it called when a dinosaur gets a goal? A: A dino-score

20. Everyone told the Mexican National team that they can’t beat Germany in the World Cup. Apparently they didn’t get the Memo.

#19 – 10. Football Jokes

19. What would David Beckham’s name be if he was a Spice Girl? Waste of Spice.

18. Q: Why do midgets always laugh when playing futbol? A: The grass tickles their balls!

17. Q: Why did the soccer ball quit the team? A: He was tired of being kicked around.

16. Q: Why is a bad futbol team like an old bra? A: No cups and little support.

15. The new manager of our struggling football team is strict and won’t stand any nonsense. Last Saturday, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”

14. Why did the football quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around!

13. They say that pessimists see the cup as half empty, and optimists as half full The Belgians haven’t even seen the cup!

12. Q: How do you change a Poland supporters mind? A: Blow in his ear!

11. Q: What’s the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

10. Q: Why are soccer players excellent at math? A: They know how to use their heads.