Top 101 Lawyer Jokes

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You might not thinking that going to court is funny business. However, lawyers can be quite funny. With that in mind, check out the top 101 lawyer jokes.

#101 – 90. Funny Lawyer Jokes

101. Q: Know how copper wire was invented? A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

100. Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? A: New Jersey got to pick first.

99. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A good start.

98. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A: The bucket.

97. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

96. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

95. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

94. What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

93. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

92. Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

91. Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

90. Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

#89 – 80. Funny Lawyer Jokes

89. Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

88. Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

87. A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. “$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer. “Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man. “Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

86. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad. A: Senator.

85. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.

84. Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice.

83. How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 70? “Good morning, your honor.”

82. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

81. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

80. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners.

#79 – 70. Funny Lawyer Jokes

79. What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut an onion.

78. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

77. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

76. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can’t understand

75. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

74. Why’d the lawyer go to Heaven? Hell was full.

73. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!

72. Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? A: Taller

71. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

70. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.

#69 – 60. Funny Lawyer Jokes

69. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: Senator.

68. Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? A: Cats keep trying to bury them.

67. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

66. Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.

65. Where there is a will there is a lawsuit.

64. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

63. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

62. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

61. Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer? A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

60. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

#59 – 50. Funny Lawyer Jokes

59. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: Their lips are moving.

58. Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.

57. Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

56. Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.

55. Q: What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick.

54. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

53. Q: Why did God invent lawyers? A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

52. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

51. Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

50. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

#49 – 40. Funny Lawyer Jokes

49. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.

48. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: Take your foot off his head.

47. What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.

46. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

45. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? A: The pronunciation.

44. Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A: Skeet.

43. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

42. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.

41. Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed? A: A jury.

40. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

#39 – 30. Funny Lawyer Jokes

39. As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

38. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

37. Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? A: They’re both extinct.

36. What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

35. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery

34. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

33. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

32. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor.

31. Q: What are lawyers good for? A: They make used car salesmen look good.

30. Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? Because deep down, they are really good guys!

#29 – 20. Funny Lawyer Jokes

29. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

28. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

27. Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? A: Not enough cement.

26. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.

25. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

24. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

23. What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull? Jewelry.

22. Q: What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: Accountants know they’re boring.

21. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

20. How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.

#19 – 10. Funny Lawyer Jokes

19. Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

18. How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say “Fees!”

17. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

16. Q: What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.

15. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side and then on the other.

14. Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”? A: There was an empty seat.

13. Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike? A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

12. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

11. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

10. Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

#9 – 1. Funny Lawyer Jokes

9. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.

8. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

7. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

6. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

5. How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three – one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

4. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

3. Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

2. Why don’t snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

1. Q: What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick falls off when you are dead.

Ideas for the top 101 funny lawyer jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Brain Dead – Lawyer Joke^[2]Jokes.lol – The Best Lawyer Joke^[3]icicle software – Lawyer Joke Collection^[4]Paralegal.edu – 20 Lawyer Joke You Should Never Tell