Top 19 Irish Jokes

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Ireland is a beautiful country with a lot of history, especially in music. However, did you know that they are also really funny? With that in mind, check out the top 19 Irish jokes.

#19 – 10. Irish Jokes

19. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick:  “What if one explodes before we get there?”   Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

18. Did you hear about the Irish acid bath murderer? He burnt his arm off pulling the plug out.

17. Scotland Yard have caught an Irishman planting a bomb in London. They arrested him whilst he was watering it.

16. “Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.“It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

15. Heard about the Irish helicopter crash? The pilot got cold, so he turned the fan off.

14. Waiter : do you want your pizza cut into 4 or 6 pieces ? Irish guy : oh make it 4, I could never eat 6…

13. Two irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport. First pilot said: “Bejesus! Look how short this runway is.” Second pilot said: “Yes, but look how fuking wide it is!”

12. Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Why know would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?”

11. Paddy says to Murphy…My mate fell of his motorbike today. He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in 1 eye. Ficking hell…no wonder he fell off says Murphy.

10. Paddy & Murphy were queuing up for 10 hours outside the apple store, then decided at the last minute they wanted to eat pears instead.

#9 – 1. Irish Jokes

9. Mick do you have a date for valentines day ? Paddy “yes February 14th”

8. ‘ My father never did a day’s work in his life,’ said Paddy ‘ He must have been a lazy bastard, ‘ replied Mick ‘ No, he was a Night Watchman,’ said Paddy

7. Paddy is driving past the bus stop when he spots Murphy there. ”Would you like a lift Murphy?” ”No thanks Paddy … I might miss my bus.”

6. Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?” “My uncle Mick” replies Paddy. “What’s so special about him?” asks Mary. “He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

5. Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint

4. Why are there no ice cubes in Ireland? Because the old lady who had the recipe died.

3. Murphy asks Paddy”What’s your pet hate?”Paddy says…”It doesn’t like my finger in its arse.

2. I’m not saying that all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese, and Mexicans have restaurants…The Irish only have pubs.

1.What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?…One less drunk

Ideas for the top 19 Irish jokes come from the following sources.^[1]Irish Around the World – 30 Best Irish Joke That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud^[2]SuperJokes – Irish Joke