The Top 49 Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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Valentines day is a time where you can show your appreciation for your loved ones. However, there are also a lot of funny quotes about the day. With that in mind, check out the top 49 funny Valentines Day quotes.

Table of Contents

#49 – 40. Funny Valentines Day Quotes

49. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to. Rita Rudner

48. Today is Valentine’s Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day. Jay Leno

47. Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. Cathy Carlyle

46. A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick. A youth with his first girl makes everybody sick. Mary Wilson

45. If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz

44. Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words. Melanie White

43. To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia. H. L. Mencken

42. Love is a game that two can play and both win. Eva Gabor

41. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

40. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni

#39 – 30. Funny Valentines Day Quotes

39. I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? Zsa Zsa Gabor

38. Valentine’s day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine’s Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone’s like ‘Oh, happy valentine’s day!’ I even got a Valentine’s Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! Greg Giraldo

37. Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce

36. Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke

35. Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. Author Unknown

34. Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

33. What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl Bailey

32. Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion. Mirabeau

31. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford

30. I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

#29 – 20. Funny Valentines Day Quotes

29. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein

28. February is a month of months, and there is one special day: Valentine’s Day on the 14th. I know it’s still a ways off, but I just can’t wait. Janice, if you’re watching, will you make me the happiest man in the world and get out of my apartment? Ed Helms

27. Husbands are like fires – they go out when they’re left unattended. Cher

26. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week. Laurence J. Peter

25. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

24. Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone. Lewis Black

23. One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde

22. To comfort your sister if she’s alone during Valentine’s day, you may say: 80 percent of my socks are single but I have never seen them crying because of that. Uknown

21. Falling in love is so hard on the knees. Aerosmith

20. Every year, girls are like, ‘This is the year I get diamonds!’ And guys are like, ‘This is the year I get a blowjob!’ Everybody’s disappointed. Aisha Tyler

#19 – 10. Funny Valentines Day Quotes

19. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Unknown

18. I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith

17. A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen

16. I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? Jean Illsley Clarke

15. If you‘re alone during Valentine’s day, it is priceless for you. Otherwise, you would spend a few hundred pounds. Unknown

14. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling

13. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. Judith Viorst

12. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Groucho Marx

11. Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney

10. Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. Hoosier Farmer