Top 101 Funny Money Jokes

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Money is usually a pretty serious topic. However, it can be quite funny as well. With that in mind, check out the top 101 funny money jokes.

#101 – 90. Funny Money Jokes

101. Q: Why did Bank Of America want to return all the government bailout money ASAP? A: Because they were upset at all the hidden fees!

100. Q: What is Alimony? A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

99. Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

98. Q: What does one penny say to the other penny? A: Let’s get together and make some cents.

97. Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent!

96. Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.

95. Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A: $4.99 a minute.

94. Q: Why did the man keep throwing Monopoly Money at the stripper? A: Because she kept putting fake tits in his face!

93. Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent!

92. Q: What’s the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill? A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

91. Q: How did Bernie Madoff get the idea for a ponzi scheme (where you use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors.) A: Social Security!

90. How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.

#89 – 80. Funny Money Jokes

89. Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

88. Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

87. I fell in love with my wife at second sight. The first time I didn’t know she had money.

86. Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A: A penny.

85. Q: Why shouldn’t you lend a anthropologist money? A: They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

84. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

83. Q: What does one penny say to the other penny? A: Let’s get together and make some cents.

82. Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute? A: A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!

81. Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.

80. Q: What did the midget say when I asked him for a dollar? A: “Sorry, I’m a little short”

#79 – 70. Funny Money Jokes

79. Q: What book do women like the most? A: “Their husbands checkbook!”

78. Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow? A: The Leprechan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!

77. Q: How do you know Nadya Suleman’s (Octo-Mom) getting pretty desperate for money? A: Four of her kids are already working for Nike!

76. Q: Why are guys calling information in Bangkok? A: To save money on phone sex!

75. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill!

74. Q: What do you call a man with a head full of change? A: Headquarters.

73. Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde? A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

72. Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I m afraid of!

71. What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.

70. Q: What do you call an Asian who’s good at stock picking? A: Cha-Chng

#69 – 60. Funny Money Jokes

69. Q: Where do seagulls invest their money? A: In the stork market!

68. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:( He wanted cold hard cash! )

67. Q: What did the coin say to the token? A: Dude, that makes no cents.

66. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

65. Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: A $100 bill!

64. Q: How did Mitt Romney make hundreds of millions of dollars? A: By turning $21 an hour jobs into $9 an hour jobs

63. Q: What do fish use for money? A: Sand dollars!

62. Q: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they? A: A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn’t a nickel.

61. Q: How did the Banker die? A: He Cashed Out

60. Q: You have 10 dollars in your pocket and you lose 5.What do you have in your pocket? A: A hole.

#59 – 50. Funny Money Jokes

59. If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else’s coat.

58. Q: What has a head, a tail, but no legs? A: A penny.

57. Q: When does it rain money? A: When there is “change” in the weather.

56. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

55. Q: Why don’t cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry!

54. Q: What is Barack Obama’s new slogan in these tough times? A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!

53. If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

52. Q: Where do penguins keep their money? A: In a snow bank!

51. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it’s worth it.

50. Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A:Question marks.

#49 – 40. Funny Money Jokes

49. Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A: A Penny!

48. Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

47. What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

46. Q: Do you know 50 Cent’s half brother’s name? A: 25 Cent.

45. Q: What is Barack Obama’s new slogan in these tough times? A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!

44. Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.

43. Son: “Mom can I get twenty bucks” Mom: Does it look like I am made of money Son: “Well isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?”

42. Q: What do stockbrokers say to each other when they want the other person to shut up? A: Put a stock in it!

41. Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween? A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)

40. Q: What do you call an investment that profits off of shareholder activism? A: The “Feeling is Mutual Fund”.

#39 – 30. Funny Money Jokes

39. What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !

38. Q: What’s the difference between Former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and a prostitute? A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

37. How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

36. Q: What coin doubles in value when half is deducted? A: A half dollar.

35. You don’t have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

34. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.

33. The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.

32. Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !

31. Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it. Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

30. Q: Why don’t cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry.

#29 – 20. Funny Money Jokes

29. Q: Why is dough another word for money? A: Because everyone kneads it.

28. Minds are like parachutes.they only work when they’re open. Money is like a promise, easier made than kept

27. Q: Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?A: Because it had more cents.

26. Q: Where does a fish keep his money A: In the River Bank!

25. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

24. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash!

23. Q: Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? A: Because it had more cents.

22. Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I’m paw!

21. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.

20. To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

#19 – 10. Funny Money Jokes

19. Q: Why can’t Lebron James shop at the dollar store? A: Because he only has 3 quarters!

18. Q: If Bill Gates collapses right in front of you, what’s the first thing you do? A: Grab his wallet.

17. Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

16. Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? A: Ten grand!

15. A little monster was learning to play the violin, I m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother. You should be on the radio, said his brother. You think I m that good? No, I think you

14. Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas? A: When you get off the plane walk into the propellers!

13. Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10? But I only have $8, his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

12. Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That’s very expensive, isn’t it ? Next!

11. Q: Where does a fish keep his money A: In the River Bank!

10. Q: What did the cent say to the Dollar? A: You make no cents.

#9 – 1. Funny Money Jokes

9. Q: What book do women like the most? A: Their husbands checkbook!

8. Q: What did the coin say to the token? A: Dude, that makes no cents.

7. I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

6. The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

5. Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married. I don’t get any sex and I’ve never got any money.

4. Q: How do you hide money from a hippie? A: Put it under the soap.

3. Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear? A: To hear 50 Cent

2. Q: What do you get when you put THE money you’ve earned and IRS together? A: THEIRS!

1.Q: What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar anda skinny blonde? A: One’s a phony buck.

Ideas for the top 101 funny money jokes were taken from the following sources.^[1]Reader’s Digest – Money Joke^[2]Funny Jokes – Money Joke^[3]Quick, Funny Jokes! – Money Joke^[4]SuperJokes – Money Joke^[5]Jokes 4 Us – Money Joke